Five theories on Glenn Beck’s earth-shattering scoop

Beck has news that is going to change the world! Some guesses (serious and silly) as to what it might be

Topics: Glenn Beck, marijuana, Game of Thrones, conspiracy theories, Michele Bachmann, Republicans, Immigration, Immigration Reform, , ,

Five theories on Glenn Beck's earth-shattering scoopGlenn Beck (Credit: Reuters/Chris Keane)

On Wednesday, Glenn Beck warned that “in the next 10 days, you are going to witness things in American history that have never been witnessed before,” saying that he had news that would “take down pretty much the whole power structure” and “greatly divide” the nation. Titillating, right?

Less than 24 hours later, the Internet started speculating about what Beck’s big revelation might be.

Here’s a roundup of theories being floated about the news that will “change everything” — and a few we came up with ourselves:

Immigration reform is really a ploy to implement a perpetual Democratic majority 

Conservative watchdog site Right Wing Watch speculated that a Beck radio segment about an “immigration revolt” among Congressional Republicans may have been the pundit’s big news. That same day, the Blaze floated a theory — echoing Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn. — that progressive Democrats were conspiring to sneak “perpetual amnesty” into the immigration reform package to ensure they stay in power forever, basically. “The bill is worse than universal healthcare. Listen to me, it is worse than universal healthcare, and in the coming days as we get closer, we will explain why it’s worse than universal healthcare. It is the death knell of the country, there is no recovery from this one. None. No recovery,” Beck said.

Justice John Roberts was blackmailed into supporting the Affordable Care Act 

On Thursday, fringier-than-fringe conservative website ObamaReleaseYourRecords.blogspot.com announced they had scooped Beck, because 10 days is a long time to wait for news that is going to tear your world apart and provoke political Armageddon. According to the site, Beck may be planning to announce that hacked emails were used to “blackmail and extort” Chief Justice John Roberts into siding with Justices Sonia Sotomayor, Stephen Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Elena Kagan in declaring the Affordable Care Act constitutional. Apparently, an “embarrassing email,” if it ever got out, would leave Roberts’ family life “destroyed,” so some ne’er-do-well used it against him to ensure that insurance companies can’t deny people coverage based on preexisting conditions and that employers have to provide maternal health care to women and their female dependents … or something.



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President Obama is going to issue an executive order to cancel the remaining seasons of “Game of Thrones”

Beck will unveil a leaked copy of the order, in which the President of the United States declares that he felt “so happy” while watching the “Red Wedding” season finale and that he really thought the Starks “got what was coming to them,” adding, “and, seriously, who cares anyway because it’s just a television show based on some stupid books.”

Flossing is more important than brushing — and you are far more vulnerable to gum disease than you thought 

Dentists have been keeping this under the radar for too long, and Beck is going to blow the whole conspiracy wide open. Contrary to what your liberal parents might have told you, flossing is more essential to good oral hygiene than brushing your teeth, but the toothbrush and Mentadent lobbies have been conspiring for decades to keep the truth hidden. Not anymore!

Glenn Beck is actually a progressive performance art piece 

What started as a social experiment about conservative demagoguery got way, way out of hand. Sometime over the next 10 days, Beck will announce what he meant to tell the world much, much sooner: that he is actually a performance art piece about ideology run amok. Activist icon Angela Davis will stand by his side while he does this, joined by George Clooney  and Jane Fonda. News of Beck’s authentic self may come as a shock to some, but it would help explain his preference for hipster glassesfitted plaid shirtslegal pot and (maybe, it’s complicated) gay marriage.

 

 

Katie McDonough is Salon's politics writer, focusing on gender, sexuality and reproductive justice. Follow her on Twitter @kmcdonovgh or email her at kmcdonough@salon.com.

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