Ayn Rand books we might actually read

Libertarians, hopped up on their favorite writer, can only hope these "long lost" Rand titles someday see print

Published August 9, 2013 11:42AM (EDT)


In a frightening alternative future, someday this might actually happen:

In light of America’s libertarian revival, the Ayn Rand estate has leaked the synopses of several unpublished sequels to Rand’s Objectivist parable "Atlas Shrugged." Strikingly prescient, the previously unknown novels have been optioned by Koch Films, which hopes to follow the success of the recent "Atlas Shrugged" films, and awaken the liberty-loving freedom fighter buried in the heart of every real American.

Atlas Bugged: After Congress privatizes the NSA, John Galt buys a controlling share. When his workers attempt to organize, he listens in on their meetings and is able to thwart their efforts. He defends his actions on a special segment of Charlie Rose, which he also owns.

Atlas Chugged: After going on a bender to celebrate his latest acquisition, a drunk John Galt realizes how dependent he is on the efforts of his employees. The next morning, he swallows his disdain for religion and attends AA – only to quit when he discovers eight of the 12 steps are philosophically incompatible with Objectivism.

Atlas Fugged: John Galt’s steely, pitiless gaze is offended by the sight of obscenity in print. He buys a controlling interest in the Big Six publishers and sets out to bowdlerize all literature. The novel climaxes during a shareholder battle with Jeff Bezos, who refuses to modify Kindle editions.

Atlas Mugged: Ungrateful citizens refuse to pay exorbitant private security fees, so the owners of the security corporation send their agents to collect.

Atlas Drugged: The Zetas Drug Cartel creates a drug that induces intense euphoria with 10 times the addictive potential of crystal meth but it slowly causes irreversible brain damage. With no state to interfere in the drug’s manufacture and sale, the Zetas reap their gargantuan profits, leaving Mexico full of brain-dead addicts. Free of FDA meddling, GlaxoSmithKlein purchases the formula for the American market and instantly jumps 14 points on the Dow.

Atlas Lugged: In an act of teenage rebellion, John Galt’s son tries his hand as a laborer in the Galt Industrial Empire. He develops a sense of kinship with the workers and agrees to bring their complaints before his father, who disowns him. The Huffington Post provides breathless, round-the-clock coverage of the ensuing family drama.

Atlas Tugged: John Galt masturbates for 600 pages.

Atlas Slugged: After striking out at his first at-bat, a young John Galt stalls his Littlee League game with a three-hour lecture on the rigid, statist oppression of grand-slamming princes. When the ump upholds the call, Galt takes his bat and goes home, teaching everyone a valuable lesson about alienating the true visionaries.

Atlas Rugged: When the Supreme Court overturns DOMA, Galt’s would-be mother leaves his father. Free to live life as a lesbian, she never gives birth to John Galt, teaching everyone a valuable lesson about alienating the mothers of true visionaries.

Atlas MTV Unplugged: Galt appropriates the music of local Negro children and sells it for millions on iTunes. When the children demand a share of the profit, Galt composes a folk ballad condemning their resentment and class envy. Unable to resist market incentives, Galt commits suicide in the climactic final chapter, ensuring the profitability of his music for all time.

Atlas Humbugged: On Christmas Eve, John Galt enjoys a steaming plate of gruel, then advises a crippled boy to overcome his disability by working in a coal mine.

Atlas Debugged: An Objectivist hacker leaks sensitive national security data to the press. To evade the vengeful state, he defects to China, a fact Chinese Internet users are unable to learn.

Atlas Plugged: After an investment goes sour, John Galt loses 90 percent of his net worth. With no state to bail him out, he turns to Kickstarter. When that fails, he goes bankrupt, initiating an inescapable cycle of poverty for the Galt family.

Atlas Hugged: While examining footage of society before Objectivism, a wealthy collector of old film and video documents discovers that at one time, human beings experienced a peculiar, irrational emotion they called “love."

By Emmett Rensin

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Atlas Shrugged Ayn Rand John Galt Libertarians Satire