Rush Limbaugh just added extra work to the plates of elementary school teachers across America, who are going to have to spend a lot of time undoing the damage caused by his historically inaccurate and bizarre new project, a children's history book called "Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures With Exceptional Americans."
According to his site Two if by Tea, “Rush Revere is a modern-day Paul Revere who rides around America espousing fundamental American values. He is a close friend of Rush Limbaugh who sounds the alarm that The Liberals Are Coming!™" By essentially injecting himself into the 1600s, Limbaugh hopes to teach children "the true story of Thanksgiving," an idea given to him by his wife, Kathryn, who observed that Limbaugh is "always talking about how history is being mistaught."
It seems that the ever-enterprising Limbaugh, who published two other books in the 1990s, is expanding his reach. But why stop with children's books? Here are 10 other projects that Limbaugh could successfully undertake:
1. Gettysburg reenactor
Given Limbaugh’s proclivity for history, playing a reenactor of one of America's most pivotal battles would be the next logical application of his passion. Except that Limbaugh fiddles with history just a little bit, playing a resurrected George Washington, who arrives to battle in a stylish Tesla. Also, the reenactment takes place in a more American state, like Texas.
2. An Etsy business tycoon
Taking a page from the book of his kindred spirit Glenn Beck, who lovingly tried to auction off an Obama-in-a-Pee-Pee Doll, Limbaugh could easily set up shop on Etsy. Perhaps he could make jewelry for women, a demographic he seems to understand quite well.
3. Professional cuddler
Please note: This is a real job. Cuddly-wuddly Limbaugh could probably make a decent chunk of change charging men and women upwards of $60 to enjoy his cuddly-wuddliness. (Just a thought!)
4. Professional LARPer
To the uninitiated, "LARP" stands for "live action role-playing," an interactive game in which players physically act out the stories of their characters in costume, with props. After all, Limbaugh is already a renowned LARPer in this tragicomedy we call real life.
5. Reddit moderator
This is how it begins: Late one night, after he's sold his last necklace on Etsy, Rush, struggling to find meaning again, will find himself on the infamous Reddit thread r/creepshots. Suddenly inspired, Rush will quietly create r/limbshots, a clever eponymous portmanteau that will entirely feature photos of Rush himself. This will go well for Limbaugh -- better than he could have imagined -- and he'll expand his Reddit enterprise to include r/feminist_limbshots. Eventually, his entrepreneurial spirit will capture the attention of Reddit mods, who will make him one of their own.
6. Town crier
This is essentially what Limbaugh would have become without the power of Cumulus Media behind him.
7. Hype man for Insane Clown Posse
A modern twist on the town crier: Rush Limbaugh as the master of the Juggalos.
8. Advertising director for women’s tampon commercials
It's a well-known fact that women like to laugh alone with salad and discuss their periods when their hormones aren't making them crazy. Limbaugh could direct the perfect ad for women, who don't poop until marriage.
9. Basketball ambassador to North Korea
Technically, this made-up position is already filled by Dennis Rodman. Rush doesn’t have any renown as a basketball player, but as a ruddy-faced, inflated pressurized ball, Limbaugh would make the perfect replacement if relations between Rodman and BFF Kim Jong Un go sour.
10. Online PUA instructor
It's actually surprising that Limbaugh doesn't fancy himself something of a pickup artist already. Like PUAs, he clearly knows how to talk to women and knows a lot about their bodies. Aspiring PUAs could learn a lot from him.
Correction: An earlier version of this post misstated the setting of Limbaugh's book. It is set in the 1600s. It also mischaracterized Limbaugh's relationship with Cumulus Media. Limbaugh recently signed a new deal with Cumulus.