15 "naughty" tips to guarantee awful sex

A compendium of the worst magazine sex advice ever, from Cosmo to Men's Health

Published November 10, 2013 12:00AM (EST)

     (<a href='http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-332422p1.html'>VILevi</a> via <a href='http://www.shutterstock.com/'>Shutterstock</a>)
(VILevi via Shutterstock)

This article originally appeared on Alternet.

There are countless articles aiming to teach us how to enrich our sex lives. Most are inane, others are helpful, and still others are downright laughable. Here are our favorite baffling, painful, or otherwise WTF-inducing tips that the Internet wants to do to your nether bits. Because sometimes spicing up our sex lives involves actual spices.

1. Cosmo: “Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”

This advice comes from Cosmo's book, "365 Naughty Nights: A Year of Hot Sex." But if that one sentence is too vague for you, Cosmo elaborates further in the print magazine, under the title “Glazed Donut.”

“Gently stick his penis through the hole...”

Gently, ladies! His penis is not a game of horseshoes...until later on in the list!

“...and slowly nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while…”

Lest you forget this is a blow job, and not an ergonomically challenging way to consume calories.

“The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.”

We’re not sure that glazed spittle counts as a “new dimension,” but it will definitely make for an interesting cleanup, especially if you plan on having sex later with a woman whose vaginal flora isn’t accustomed to sugar (spoiler: all of them).

2. Men’s Health: “The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt—at least for mice. The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet—and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a ‘junk food diet,’ according to a new study out of MIT.”

You know what the key to sexiness is? Not mentioning mice scrotums.

3. Cosmo: “Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”

It’s not like we need to sleep here later!

4. Men’s Health: "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

You sure have! If by “it” you mean house-training a Labradoodle. Also, what other way is there to respond to a hand-licking in public? Hold it up and say, “I’m never washing this again”?

5. Cosmo: “Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back, then cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off.”

Ignoring for a moment why you would want to needlessly stretch out an expensive bra, and how many other better restraints exist in the world, does Cosmo think we all have mini-fridges full of Cocoa Puffs and slivered almonds by our bedsides? Because, there’s barely enough room for my Nutella bucket from Costco as it is.

6. Cosmo: “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”

A mini-fridge and a spice rack, got it. There’s nothing that aids an impending orgasm like a dry rub marinade. Besides, what’s sexier than sneezing? Crying, which is exactly what will happen if you’re one inch off.

7. Men’s Health: “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.”

A mini-fridge, a spice rack, and a toaster oven. Got it. We’re starting to think we know what the Beyond stands for in Bed, Bath &.

8. Cosmo: “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”

Spooning is for lesbians! It’s not sex until someone has been stabbed with an eating utensil. We also recommend kitchen tong hand jobs, melon-balling his balls, and that you griddle his fiddle, gently, with a George Foreman grill.

9. Cosmo: “As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.”

We recommend singing, “Do your ears hang low?” while doing this. Also works if your boyfriend wants plugs but is too cheap or lazy to go to a shop.

10. Cosmo: “Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.”

There’s no way that could go wrong.

11. Cosmo: “Move my penis up and down like an old-school Atari joystick—up, down, side to side, in a circle.”

For those times you’d really rather be playing Asteroids, but you can’t because it’s no longer 1981.

12. Cosmo: "Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles."

Is it us, or did tennis just get sexier?

13. Men’s Health: "Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't.”

Or, if unprovoked staring contests and blink calculations are too labor-intensive, you could always cold-clock her and then search her medicine cabinet and purse for the almighty Pill pouch. What’s that? Just ask her? Talking is for chumps.

14. Marie Claire: 5 Short Hair Styles that Will Get You Laid

This is less advice and more of a link-baity headline, but we are amused to think that what is keeping us from all the beastly sex is actually a “cheekbone-grazing fringe” or a “serious center part.”

15. Cosmo: “Blindfold him, then give him bitch directions (“Touch me here. No, not there, here”). When you can’t be seen, the bossy badass comes out.”

You’ve bitten his ballsack and treated his dick like a volleyball, but you’re right, basic communication is the real litmus test for bitchdom. Also try: “Help me clean up all the Red Vines that you licked from my armpit?” Ooh, bitch burn!

In all seriousness, if you want to know what turns on your man/woman/sex robot/LARPing elf, the best advice is always to ask them. Because it varies from person to person. This is also to say that, sure, we bet some men do want their dicks Atari’d and some women want their breasts banged like the Salvation Army drum at the Easter Day parade. But you should never assume anything about a new sex partner, especially if it involves girdle pulleys or a quesadilla-maker.

Some sex websites we love are Scarleteen (which is aimed at teens, but is still a damn good resource for adults), any sex-positive toy store like Good Vibes orBabeland, Nerve’s The Big Bang book, and its authors Em and Lo, who have a fantastic sex advice column. The Hairpin has a slew of advice columns, some of it sexy, from a Queer Chick to a Dude to a Mom to Strangers. For matters of the heart, read Dear Sugar, and for sex advice with a hefty dose of candor, there’s always Savage Love.

By Anna Pulley

@annapulley writes about sex and social media for SF Weekly, AlterNet, After Ellen and the Chicago Tribune. She's also attempting to lead a haiku revival on her blog, annapulley.com. Let her send you overly personal emails: http://tinyletter.com/annapulley.

MORE FROM Anna Pulley

Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Advice Alternet Cosmo Lists Magazines Sex Sex Advice Tips