This year, instead of simply not watching the Super Bowl as I do every year, I decided to record it lest I miss out on the next totally classic Budweiser commercial. Fortunately, I didn't even have to go through the trouble of scanning through the hours-long broadcast for the typically entertaining ads; Hulu was kind enough to post the notable ones online. With the time I saved, I figured I'd rate and award these widely viewed spots according to mostly arbitrary categories that I dreamed up sometime between midnight and Monday morning.
Best Commercial Featuring an Optimistic Farm Animal: Chevy "Romance"
Runner-up: Geico "Big Game Spot"
Most Predictable Use of Dylan: Chrysler "America's Import"
Least Predictable Use of Dylan: Chobani "Ransacked"
Funniest Commercial Featuring a Guy Being Creepy in the Backseat of Car: Kia "The Truth" starring Laurence Fishburne (as Morpheus)
Creepiest Commercial Featuring a Guy Being Creepy in the Backseat of Car: Toyota's "Big Game Ad Starring Terry Crews and the Muppets"
Most Unlikely Spokesperson Award: Quvenzhané Wallis for Maserati
Most Inevitable Spokesperson Award: Ellen DeGeneres for Beats Music
Dog Most Likely to Elicit Awwws From Even the Most Macho Football Fans: The horse-whispering pup in Budweiser's "Puppy Love"
Dog Most Likely to Inspire Nightmares in Small Children: Audi's "Doberhuahua"
Funniest '80s Reunion: Dannon Oikos "Spill" featuring John Stamos, Dave Coulier, and Bob Saget (of "Full House")
Most Mercifully Brief '80s Reunion: Radio Shack "The Phone Call" featuring Kid N'Play
Most Admittedly Desperate Attempt at Going Viral on Behalf of a Fledgling Product: SodaStream "Viral Message" featuring Scarlett Johansson
Most Unintentionally Awesome New Slogan for an Item that Sells Itself: "Wait a minute. The Fritos go ON the sub?!?" for Subway's Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt
Least Promising Commercial for a Sequel to an Already Disappointing Hollywood Blockbuster Franchise Film: "Transformers: Age of Extinction"
Runner-up: "The Amazing Spider-Man 2"
Don Draper Award for Excellence in Hyperbolic Re-Branding: Axe "Make Love, Not War"
Runner-up: Bud Light's "Cool Twist"
Best Pairing of a Major Movie Star With a Lesser-Known Sketch Comedian in a Commercial for a Socially Responsible Car Manufacturer: Honda "Hug Someone" featuring Bruce Willis and Fred Armisen
Definitely Not the Best Pairing of a Major Movie Star With a Lesser-Known Sketch Comedian in a Commercial for a Socially Responsible Car Manufacturer: Ford "Nearly Double" featuring James Franco and Rob Riggle
Special "Kill 'em With Cuteness" Award: Cheerios "Gracie" (A previous ad featuring this sweet, biracial moppet and her parents became the focal point of inexplicable controversy when it aired last year. Cheers to Cheerios for doubling down on adorable.)