A new ad campaign from Nine West helpfully lays out when women need to be wearing shoes. This is great since I, as a woman, generally have a hard time figuring out when to wear shoes. Now I know that I only need to wear them on two occasions.
Since I know that I am not the only woman who has had trouble figuring out if I need to wear shoes, I have created this helpful quiz to determine whether you need to be wearing shoes based on the advice of Nine West.
Are you hunting for a “starter husband?”
If you answered yes, please get yourself some shoes. You will need them to attract your “starter husband,” of course. I am not sure what exactly a “starter husband” is, but you might need the shoes to protect your feet from the puddles of vodka/Red Bull barf that can accumulate outside of the clubs where such men might hang out.
Are you bringing the child your starter husband impregnated you with four years and nine months ago to his or her first day of kindergarden?
If you answered yes, please get yourself some shoes. You will need them to bring said child to kindergarden. Not because you will be walking them there and need your feet covered, but because you will need something colorful to stare at for the hours that your child is at school. Because you do not have any other hobbies or interests other than your starter husband and your child, who is now attending his or her first day of kindergarden. If you purchase an animal-print pump, you can pet it like it's a dog. If you purchase a sensible canvas flat, you can use the material to wipe your tears while you wait for your child and husband to return from their busy days outside the house.
Are you attending your first day of kindergarden?
If you answered yes, you might be able to wear some shoes. The Nine West list states “First day of kindergarden” as the occasion for the wearing of shoes, so it’s unclear if it means your child is in school or if you are in school. But I am going to take liberties here and just say that if you are an adult woman attending her first day of kindergarden, you can just go ahead and wear some shoes. Not sure about the second day of kindergarden, though.
Are you one of the millions of women working in a low-wage industry, like fast-food or retail?
If you answered yes, please lose the shoes. You don’t need them. But watch your feet around the hot oil fryer! Those things can splash! Maybe you can fashion some stale hamburger buns into foot protectors, but definitely don’t wear shoes because you don’t need them. And if you work at Hobby Lobby, you can put the money you’re saving by not wearing shoes toward that copper IUD, since your employer insurance no longer covers it and those things are pricey!
Are you the current first lady of the United States?
If you answered yes, the answer is kind of complicated. Maybe you wore some shoes when you were bringing your daughters Sasha and Malia to their respective first days of kindergarden, but you shouldn’t have been wearing shoes any time after that. If you are reading this now, Michelle Obama, please take your shoes off.
Are you running from someone/something?
If you answered yes and you are not playfully running from your starter husband on the night you first hunted him, then please take your shoes off.
Are you a female advertising executive at Nine West?
If you answered yes, please remove your shoes. You may be working on an expensive ad campaign about when women need to wear shoes, but you are not looking for a starter husband or bringing a child to kindergarden, so you do not need to be wearing shoes. If you go out after work wearing an “LBD” (lady-speak for a “little black dress”) and a smokey eye with the intention of landing a starter husband, you may put shoes on then. But not until then.