Stephen Colbert takes Ebola panic to the next level: "By the time you’re seeing this, you’re probably dead”

"We must isolate the source of the outbreak: Our imagination"

Published August 8, 2014 1:35PM (EDT)

"Folks, I'm so happy you're joining us," Stephen Colbert says. "We tape the show at 7 o'clock, so by the time you're seeing this, you're probably dead."

So began Colbert's overwrought monologue on the dangers of the American Ebola outbreak, which the media has covered so sensationally. "The number of new Ebola cases in the U.S. is impossible to count because it is zero," he continues. "But just because Ebola isn't catching in America doesn't mean Ebola can't catch you! Fox News brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson, infect us with your fear!"

The show then cut to the completely asinine scenario set forth by the Fox News correspondent: "If there were a container of contaminated urine, and it somehow managed to find its way to someplace ... and someone comes up to a lab worker, knows he's got the urine, asks him, 'How'd you like to have a million dollars?' Then there's a little transaction there."

Even if you think Carson is just "yanking shit out of his ass," that is no reason to relax -- "that's another way Ebola is spread."

By Joanna Rothkopf

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Ebola Panic Stephen Colbert The Colbert Report Video