Over the weekend, the New York Times published its umpteenth piece on millennials, another trend piece attempting to make a grandiose claim about the millions of 20-somethings who have been raised in an era of smartphones and high-speed Internet. In "Generation Nice," writer Sam Tanenhaus poked fun at the "microscopic attention paid to a generation whose oldest members are only now entering the prime of their adult lives," but decided that maybe millennials deserve that attention because we're all so nice. But we're also, per other opinions shared in Times articles: lazy, narcissistic, hookup crazy, crafty and penniless. Have you ever read the New York Times, remarking, "Wow, they understand me so well!" or wondered, "Hmm, am I really like this?" Well, wonder no more, because with this quiz you'll learn if you're a New York Times-trend-piece-millennial or not:
1. Were you born between the years 1980 and 2000?
A. Yeah, and BTW this quiz looks super-boring, but I like taking Internet quizzes and I've got some free time so whatever.
C. No, but I plan to pretend to have been when I retire.
2. Do you spend a lot of time on the Internet?
A. Yes, because like 28-year-old creative guru Britt Morin, I think it's fair to say that I "have a "digitized touch."
B. Obviously ...
C. No, and I think I read a study that says the Internet is bad for your eyes.
3. OK, now let's talk about money. Do you have any?
A. No, because I am materialistic.
B. Some, 'cause I'm in my 20s, but also, not that much ... cause I'm in my 20s.
C. I've plodded through 30 years of debt, put five kids through college, and am just starting to think about retirement. What do you think?
4. Is this quiz getting too long for your attention span?
5. If you had a motto, it would be ...
6. The last thing romantic thing you texted was ...
A. "Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever?" because, hookup culture, y'know?
B. Hmm, probably "I miss you" or a heart emoji?
C. Are you talking about "sex texting"?
7. If you could define the distinguishing characteristic of this population of 80 million people, it would be:
A. They are really nice and happy and optimistic!
B. I guess, logically, that they are all born the last two decades of the millennium?
C. They are lazy narcissistic scum.
If you answered mostly A ...
You are a New York Times-trend piece millennial. This is great news if you're looking for a publication that seems to understand your every whim and desire, but it may also be sobering to see yourself as just a statistic or a sample in an overblown research study. Don't worry too much, though, there should be a trend piece telling you how to handle that existential crisis, soon.
If you answered mostly B ...
You are technically a millennial, and also a real person! While this is probably the best news, it is also the least interesting, and therefore no one will make you the subject of a trend piece. Unless, of course, you are rich and white. Then it might happen for you.
If you answered mostly C ...
Sorry, you are not a millennial, but you are clearly hung up enough on millennials to take this quiz. Honestly, you seem a little bitter about it. Well, some of us turn into curmudgeons faster than others, but in the end we're all a little cranky, and we're all entitled to that. It's one of the benefits of old age. One day, these bright-eyed millennials will be grumpy, too.