It was with much sadness and disbelief that the right wing greeted the news the other day that the so-called wave of criminal children surging over America's border to destroy everything that's good and decent about us seems to have crested. The director of homeland security, Jeh Johnson, made the announcement on Monday, saying that "the worst is over, for now." He explained that the numbers of kids arriving from Central America peaked in May and June and has substantially dropped since then and he credits the administration's public relations campaign in their home country with explaining why these kids are better off in their own anarchic, gang-infested countries than here in the land of the free. It's a foreign policy to be proud of.
But that was small solace to the true guardians of the American Way of Life who know very well that the nation has already been infiltrated by an enemy so cunning it is even able to fool sharp observers like George Will and Brit Hume into arguing they should be treated with compassion.
But they weren't fooled. These so-called children are nothing but stealthy foreign invaders who are even now forming sleeper cells from within their ... sleeping cells. Indeed, these champions of our proud cultural heritage saw through the president's Machiavellian plan to distract the public with passenger planes being shot out of the sky, invasions, beheadings and general chaos around the globe.
The Protector of Real America Laura Ingraham noticed as long ago as July that the only network adequately covering the "massive dispersal" of immigrants around the nation was Fox while all the other networks were "diverting attention" in the media to foreign policy stories like the downed plane in Ukraine and the war in Gaza.
It just doesn't seem fair especially when people like our stoic leader Lindsey Graham runs all over Washington hysterically claiming that ISIS warriors are coming to America to kill us all in the name of Allah and ignores the Real Threat. As Pat Buchanan explained to Ingraham on her show this week, this country needs to get its priorities straight:
Look, we’d better realize here that the United States itself is in tremendous long-term danger, I think, and the bleeding border along our southern border, the mass movement of people from all over the world into this country, the decomposition of this country socially and culturally, politically, all of these things, it seems to me, are far greater long-term threats to the United States than even those dreadful characters over there in Syria or Iraq beheading people
He and Ingraham and Phyllis Schlafly, if no one else, understand that the long-term strategy in place here is to bring all these "illegal children" into America and turn them into Democratic voters. What could ISIS do to the fabric of our civilization that's any worse than that, I ask you?
But even if you think that ISIS might be worth the government attending to, it's still important to realize that it's doing it all wrong. You see, the true threat isn't in the Middle East where ISIS is openly proclaiming its goal is to restore the caliphate. It's at the Mexican border where Judicial Watch uncovered the nefarious ISIS plot to invade us from the south. Here's Fox's Steve Doocy sounding the alarm:
DOOCY: Speaking of terrorism, everybody is looking toward next week. It will be the anniversary of September 11. What's interesting now is you know those 37,000 kids who streamed across our southern border over the last year or so? Where did they go? Federal government isn't telling us that. All we do know for sure is that our southern border is wide open and now there's a report from Judicial Watch that apparently ISIS is working in the border town across the river from El Paso, Ciudad Juarez. There is a lot of chatter. Radio chatter and other things, talk indicating that ISIS is going to carry out an attack on the border very, very soon. Could be car bombs. Could be vehicle borne bombs. Don't know. There is just a lot of talk about how ISIS is across the river and could come over at any time. [Fox News, Fox & Friends, 9/5/14]
The government has denied that there is any evidence of such a plot. But then they would, wouldn't they?
And to prove just how likely it is that this is happening, one of the right wing's cleverest documentarians is on the case. James O'Keefe, of ACORN-smashing and felony-trespassing fame, has been testing out our so-called homeland security and let's just say it's coming up very short. Last month he donned an Osama bin Laden mask and crossed a narrow strip of the Rio Grande. And SEAL Team 6 was nowhere to be found. That's right, a guy with a camera crew wearing camo and a Halloween mask was able to cross from one side of the river to another and back without being vaporized by a military drone or interdicted by a battalion of robocops on ATVs. What is this world coming to?
Even worse than that was what he uncovered in his latest exposé, this one on our border to the north. Here he has a black-clad, British-accented ISIS terrorist (yes, covered from head to toe) coming across Lake Erie from Ontario carrying a plastic bag labeled "ricin," which he carries into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame unmolested. (It appears that people there just thought he was a sad little nerd playing dress-up.)
But he hit the trifecta of right-wing fear-mongering with this:
In the short gonzo documentary, O'Keefe meets up with a 'terrorist' who has hired a boat to bring him from Ontario to the middle of Lake Erie. The two exchange pleasantries as the pretend jihadi transfers to O'Keefe's American-piloted craft.
'On August 17 we stole Ebola from a lab in Liberia,' he says in the script. 'We took the bandages and the bedsheets and then we covered ourselves in it and hoped that we'd get infected.
'The incubation period is about 21 days, and it's been about – 21 days.'
That's right: unauthorized border crossing, ISIS and Ebola. It just doesn't get any scarier than that. And still people haven't completely panicked. What's it going to take to get this country to recognize that the worst thing that could possibly happen could possibly happen?
Alternatively, the right wing could lay off the caffeine and take up some sort of deep breathing and visualization techniques. All this self-imposed stress really is dangerous to your health.