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When guys find out I'm a virgin

Dating is hard — especially when you're a 26-year-old woman who wants to save sex until marriage


Ellen Burkhardt
October 6, 2014 4:00AM (UTC)

There’s no good time to tell a guy you’re a virgin. First date? Too much, too soon. Wait until the third date and you risk being considered a tease. Second date? Perhaps, but at this point you’re both still fretting over whether or not to eat another piece of bread; delving into sexual histories (or lack thereof) seems a bit extreme. So: There’s no good time to tell a guy you’re a virgin. Even worse? Telling him you’re waiting until marriage.

I should be better at sharing this bit of information by now. I’m a 26-year-old woman with a college degree, a good job, an adorable duplex and no debt. I have a solid group of friends, a supportive family and a clear awareness of who I am and who I want to be. By most accounts, I am a successful human being. Yet the moment I have to tell the guy I’m dating that sex is not an option, I become a squirmy, awkward, fidgety girl who can’t make eye contact or put together a complete sentence. Think junior high dance, only without a bathroom to hide in.

The Chat was never really an issue for me until three years ago. I wasn’t like many teens, who consider sex a rite of passage. It’s true I always had a crush on one (or two) boys and had my fair share of boyfriends, but no relationship ever got serious enough where sex was even a thought, let alone a deal breaker. For most of my junior high and high school years, I played the role of the friend — the token girl in a group of boys who were more interested in taking my advice for how to ask a girl to prom than taking me to prom. And given the choice between having just one boy with whom to spend all my time or a group of boys, friends ...

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Ellen Burkhardt

Ellen Burkhardt is a freelance writer, researcher, traveler, and overthinker in Minneapolis, MN. Follow her @burkcity.

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