23 ridiculous products you need to survive America's "Ebola apocalypse"

The disease has landed in New York City, and a few online retailers are cashing in on the resulting panic

By Timothy McGrath
October 25, 2014 6:00PM (UTC)
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This article originally appeared on GlobalPost.

Global Post Ebola has hit New York City, and now the misplaced hysteria that had just begun to relax after those three Dallas Ebola cases is back in a big way.

Fox News has got its graphics pumping and is pushing its not-so-subtle framing that Obama is responsible. CNN is challenging the laws of physics with the number of talking heads it's putting on a single screen. And Twitter feeds are overrun with lame jokes and genuinely unhinged paranoia about bowling, subway commuting, and Uber riding — the trifecta of activities that NYC's Ebola patient, Craig Spencer, a 33-year-old physician who became infected after treating Ebola patients in Guineau with Doctor's Without Borders (MSF), did while unaware that he was sick.


Bowling will never be the same again and things are looking up for NYC cabbies.

CNN and Fox News aren't the only ones cashing in on the panic. Just head over to Amazon, eBay, and Etsy and you'll find all the Ebola-related products you need to help stoke this fear.

Here are just a few of them.


1) Search "Ebola" on Amazon, and you'll get a lot of stuff. You can buy a single hazmat suit or a single face mask, which will offer you some protection from disease while also allowing you to attend Halloween parties as 'Breaking Bad Halloween Costume circa 2011'



2) Most people will go deeper, though. You've got to do your research. So get some books like this well-sourced and convincingly argued monograph


3) And this one


4) There are soooo many books for your Ebola freak-out library. You definitely need all of them, but if you hate reading books, there's this DVD, which seems totally legit



5) All this research will lead you to realize — you need an Ebola kit. You can go for a basic model, which seems useful for painting your living room while in isolation, and really, you've been wanting to get around to that forever


6) The Basic+ option comes with a pink respirator



7) But if you're like most Americans, you're gonna want the deluxe luxury S class go big or go home levels of preparedness


8) And if you've got a family, you'll need so much hand sanitizer and a sturdy commode bucket


9) Your kids might need special masks because they have small faces and like fun things



10) Two varieties so everybody's happy. No fighting in the fallout shelter, children


11) Your family's not the only thing that needs protecting. Maintain communication in your bunker, protect your cell phone from damage, and contribute to Breast Cancer awareness



12) Keep track of everyone's health with an Ebola logbook. Be careful with it because nobody knows how long the Ebola virus can survive on genuine imitation leather


13) If you make it through the Great USA Ebola Outbreak of 2014-15 you're gonna need SCHWAG. Luckily there's plenty. So many T-shirts



14) SOOOOOOO many T-shirts. Endless T-shirts. T-shirts on T-shirts


15) Plushy Ebola viruses


16) Earrings. Fancy


17) Valuable and highly collectible memorabilia from GROUND ZERO


18) Decals for that swagger wagon


19) You'll have most of the stuff for your next Halloween costume, but you'll probably want to make it look really super realistic with this ID badge



20) And this horror make-up because you're pretty sure Ebola gives you boils, and therefore, you must have boils (Ebola can cause external bleeding and bruising, so boils are close enough for you)


21) Lastly, for the purposes of documenting historical fact, you'll want to buy stuff that let's everyone know who did this to America


22) Never forget who did this


23) Illuminati truth 100%

Timothy McGrath

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Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Amazon Doctors Without Borders Ebola Etsy Globalpost Uber