Are you a man who fears the friend zone because you feel that your self-perception as a "nice guy" entitles you to sex and/or a romantic relationship with a woman who is not interested in you? Are you a man who wants to dress his way out of said friend zone because you believe the lack of emotional and sexual chemistry you're experiencing is the product of your fashion choices? I am here to help you. Forget anyone else who says they can help you. I am the only one who can help you.
Do: Wear a garbage can (so that others will know you are made of garbage)
Do: Spend all of your money on $4,000 leather jackets (so that you can't afford to socialize much and maybe stay home more)
Do: Wear a mask made of bees (obvious)
Katie McDonough is Salon's politics writer, focusing on gender, sexuality and reproductive justice. Follow her on Twitter @kmcdonovgh or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.