5 worst right-wing moments of the week — Fox News pundit's absurd Ferguson theory

A Fox News hack wonders about protesters' self esteem, while Megyn Kelly trash-talks teachers

By Janet Allon

Published December 1, 2014 1:34PM (EST)

 Keith Ablow           (Cable Kooks)
Keith Ablow (Cable Kooks)

This article originally appeared on AlterNet.

AlterNetRacist reactions to the Ferguson grand jury’s refusal to indict Darren Wilson dominated the right-wing airwaves this week, not to mention Wilson’s own televised assertion that he’d shoot Michael Brown all over again. But resourceful Fox newsians and Republican operatives aimed their offensive comments at other topics as well. Here’s a sampling.

1. Insane GOP staffer writes open letter to Sasha and Malia Obama criticizing their facial expressions and bar-ready attire.

Sasha and Malia Obama crossed their arms and did not laugh much at their father’s attempt at humor during the somber annual oval office turkey pardon this week. Also, the two teenagers wore skirts. All of this really pissed off GOP staffer Elizabeth Lauten, former new media political director for the Republican National Committee, who thought it a good idea to write an open letter to the first daughters on Facebook:

“Dear Sasha and Malia,” Lauten began, “I get that you’re both in those awful teen years, but you’re part of the First Family, try showing a little class."

In case the Obamas don’t know what class is, Lauten is just the gal to show them.

“At least respect the part that you play. Then again your mother and father don’t respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I’m guessing you’re coming up a little short in the ‘good role model’ department.”

Sweet, right? She really cares, and she is in no way attacking a 13- and 16-year-old in order to make a political point.

“Nevertheless, stretch yourself, rise to the occasion,” she continued, sagely. “Act like being in the White House matters to you. Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar. And certainly don’t make faces during televised, public events.”

For the record, they wore skirts and sweaters and rolled their eyes when their dad made a corny joke. Straight to reform school they go.

Shockingly, people reacted negatively to Lauten’s letter. I mean, she was just saying. So, she did what any reasonable person would do. She prayed. And she asked her mommy and daddy what she should do, because they are very good role models. Look what a nice young woman they raised!

"After many hours of prayer, talking to my parents and re-reading my words online, I can see more clearly how hurtful my words were. Please know that these judgmental feelings truly have no place in my heart."

She promised to learn and grow, and presumably keep it classy. No word on whether that includes not calling teenagers barflies.

2. Dinesh D’Souza and Megyn Kelly agree: Education and unions are brainwashing our kids.

Politicals commentator Dinesh D’Souza and Fox host Megyn Kelly have an announcement to make: They have uncovered the vast left-wing conspiracy that has infiltrated the education system and is brainwashing our children to hate America.

It’s chilling stuff. And it’s not limited to universities, those well-known bastions of radicalism. The dangerous insurrectionists are getting to our children as early as elementary school and definitely by high school.

Wild-eyed nursery school teachers went underground when the ‘60s officially ended with Ronald Reagan’s election. But not so far underground that they couldn't continue to indoctrinate our children. “Innocent parents are funding these colleges and prep schools,” warns D’Souza, who as a convicted felon is certainly in a position to lecture people on what is right and wrong. “Their values are being subverted by these radical professors.”

“How do these people get into our storied institutions?” Megyn Kelly asked, panic rising in her voice. One culprit, she figured, could be the unions that won’t let “teachers get fired, no matter how radical.”

Be afraid, be very afraid. Of your child’s nursery school teacher.

3. Faux News faux doc Keith Ablow travels deep inside the mind of protesters in Ferguson and concludes that low self-esteem, rather than injustice, is what makes people riot.

No one does pseudo-psychoanalysis better than Keith Ablow, resident quack at Faux News. This week, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Eric Bolling showed some footage of the unrest in Ferguson, Missouri in the wake of the Michael Brown verdict. They wanted to know what goes through the mind of a violent protester. So, they asked a protester, right? Wrong. They traveled deep into the mind of Dr. Ablow, who compared the mostly African-American protesters in the clip to misbehaving children who have been sent to their room and smash things up because they “know they have done wrong.”

They also touched on the issue of protesters who wore Anonymous masks, although they called them “looters” not protesters.

“Psychiatry is wonderful because you can see so many things that are seemingly obvious, but also a bit disguised,” Ablow said. We'd also add that psychiatry is wonderful for Keith Ablow because you can just make shit up and spew it, as long as it fits with the reactionary politics of your television network. “People wearing the masks have no identity and are empty inside,” Ablow said.

He should know.

4. Pat Robertson gets into the spirit of the season by reminding viewers that gay people are destroying America and need to be destroyed.

After running a clip about pilgrims and religious freedom, “The 700 Club” host Pat Robertson somberly managed to miss the entire meaning of “religious freedom.” Instead he warned his viewers that the success of “aberrant lifestyles” in America’s courts, by which he means the steady march of gay rights, is ruining the country. These advances in freedom and equal rights are somehow taking away people’s religious freedom, which again, means the freedom to discriminate against people who practice lifestyles and religions you don’t like.


“Ladies and gentlemen, our warning should be today, we can’t lose that [religious freedom],” Robertson said. “And when you have courts that are taking away the very essence of our democracy, the ground from which this great country came, when courts are saying that is unconstitutional, when they’re exalting aberrant lifestyles and saying that’s constitutional, when they’re defying the very essence of this nation, they are sowing the seeds, not of a new, prosperous nation but of the destruction of the one that’s already here.”

Aww. Sweet. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!

5. Someone called the cops because a black guy had his hands in his pockets. Cops check out “suspicious" behavior.

This just in from Pontiac, Michigan where it is reportedly a tad chilly. Well, freezing, actually. A black man was walking around with his hands in his pockets. Seeing this suspicious behavior, a concerned citizen of indeterminate race called the police. A police officer dutifully checked it out, that being his job. The black guy, who identified himself as B McBean on the YouTube video he posted of the incident, was a little flabbergasted. “There’s got to be 10,000 people walking around with their hands in their pockets,” he tells the officer politely.

The cop says, “There’s been a lot of robberies.” And yes, that does seem like a bit of a non sequitur. The two men have a kind of stand-off where both of them have their phones out, aimed at each other to record the incident while they discuss the absurdity of their predicament.

The police officer explains that they got a call about “suspicious” behavior.

Add it to the list: Walking around with your hands in your pockets in Michigan, in the cold, while black, is suspicious.

Janet Allon

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Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Alternet Dinesh Dsouza Ferguson Fox News Keith Ablow Megyn Kelly Pat Robertson