Bill O’Reilly, or Papa Bear, as Stephen Colbert so fondly calls him, has a warning for all right-thinking Americans: There is a vast, left-wing conspiracy coming to get you. Those protests that erupted on the streets of New York City and around the country in the following the Eric Garner grand jury decision not to indict the cop who choked him to death? They are a plot. An orchestrated plot. “They are not spontaneous,” O’Reilly said, nice and slow, so his watchers could comprehend.
OMG, what are they Papa Bear?
“They are well-planned disruptions from professional, anti-establishment provocateurs,” O’Reilly said, again, very slowly, and using graphics to illustrate his point. “That’s important to understand, because it is the American system that is being attacked, not the individual sagas of Michael Brown and Eric Garner.”
After careful investigation, O’Reilly warned, his program has learned that “radical far-left groups” like the Service Employees International Union, as well the group “This Stops Today” are being funded by “shadowy radical billionaire George Soros." (Those shadowy radical billionaires are the worst.)
You can tell this is all the work of dangerous leftists groups because they are using dastardly methods like social media to rally people to their cause. The horror. Also, as O’Reilly points out, New York is “Ground Zero” for the radical left, just as it was for Occupy Wall Street.
O’Reilly also named two other “grievance groups,” Communities United for Police Reform and “Hoodies for Justice,” as evildoers behind these peaceful protests. Some commentators have guessed that his impeccable researchers could have been referring to Million Hoodies Movement for Justice, which was an organization formed after the shooting death of hoodie-clad Florida teen Trayvon Martin and acquittal of George Zimmerman in 2012.
Earlier in the week, O’Reilly said that the members of the St. Louis Rams who made the “hands up, don’t shoot” gesture indicating solidarity with the protesters in nearby Ferguson, Missouri—where another police officer escaped charges for the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teenager—were “not smart enough” to understand what the gesture means.
That too is indicative of the vast left-wing conspiracy that is sweeping the land.
2. Mike Huckabee: Obama invited “thugs and mob members to the White House.”
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee accused President Obama of inviting “thugs and rioters and mob members" to the White House on Tuesday for a post-Ferguson summit to discuss civil rights and frayed police/community relations. Among those "thugs and mob members" were New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, Ferguson community organizer and activist Rashneen Aldridge, Jr., and executive director for the St. Louis Office of Teach for America, Brittany Packnett. Sounds like some dangerous characters to us. Huckabee told Newsmax TV those people “ought to be getting an invitation to the big house," rather than to the White House.
Huckabee, the author of “God, Guns, Grits and Gravy,” and lunatic presidential aspirant has a message for all those who see injustice in the police killings of unarmed black men. “This is not about race," he said. "This is about law and order."
We sure are glad he straightened that out.
3. Charles Barkley: “There is a reason why they profile us.”
One of Huckabee’s favorite black people, NBA superstar and ESPN commentator Charles Barkley, announced this week in a CNN interview his full support for the Ferguson, Missouri grand jury decision not to indict Darren Wilson for the shooting death of Michael Brown . On what basis? Oh, none. Was he there, and does he therefore know for a fact that Michael Brown did not have his hands up when Wilson shot him dead eight times? Nope. Is he bothered by some of the police lies that have subsequently come to light, such as the distance Michael Brown was from Wilson’s patrol car? Nope, doesn’t seem so.
Barkley called Ferguson rioters “scumbags,” winning the plaudits of many a right-winger, and took the opportunity to further criticize his fellow black people.
"We as black people, we have a lot of crooks," he said to CNN’s Brooke Baldwin on Tuesday. "We can't just wait until something like [the Michael Brown shooting] happens. We have to look at ourselves in the mirror.”
We’d contest Barkley’s assertion that we never talk about race until something bad happens. Seems to us, we often talk about race, even when we deny that we’re talking about race, like when President Obama’s birth certificate is questioned for the umpteenth time, or when he was accused of trying to kill Americans with Ebola. Or when John Boehner and the House Republicans seriously contemplate not inviting the President to give the State of the Union address.
It appears what Barkley means when he says “talking about race” is pretty much what Rudy Giuliani means when he tries to change the subject of police shootings of unarmed black men to his preferred subject, “black on black crime.”
"There is a reason that they racially profile us in the way they do,” Barkley admonished. “Sometimes it is wrong, and sometimes it is right.”
If this seems eerily reminiscent of Giuliani’s admonishment to black people to stop killing each other so white cops don’t have to, well, it is.
4. Rick Santorum: Separation of Church and State is a Communist Idea.
Sure hope Rick Santorum runs for president again. This theocracy booster told listeners that the words separation of church and state do not appear anywhere in the U.S. Constitution. You know where they appear? “It was in the constitution of the former Soviet Union,” Santorum said in a conference call with members of right-wing pastor E.W. Jackson’s STAND America.
Someone needs to do some time-traveling quick to inform Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and other Founding Fathers that the amendment they drafted into the Constitution is a commie plot to separate us from Jesus!
5. Catholic League President: Atheists and agnostics are insane and die early.
A generous and eminently reasonable spiritual leader, Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, has generously offered to pay for therapy for unbelievers. That’s how concerned he is about our immortal souls.
Appearing on the Malzberg Show on Newsmax, Donohue pointed out that “secularists” have inferior “mental health, physical health” and a lot of them are in “asylums.” To which we say, "Wait, are there still asylums?"
Donohue says unbelievers are sick because they think they can do whatever the hell they want and don’t believe in those three little words “that we got from our Jewish friends: 'Thou shalt not.’”
He later pointed out he wasn’t talking about all atheists, just the small, organized cabal that is determined to “stick it to us.”
But he is willing to make a deal: He’ll pay for therapy if those pesky, war-on-Christmas-waging atheists “just take your hands, your mitts off the Catholics during Christmas.”