The Oscars are happening this Sunday, and lucky for you, we know exactly who is going to win all the major races. How do we know? Do we possess soothsaying abilities? Is there a mole within the PricewaterhouseCoopers accounting department? Do we have a clairvoyant octopus named Melvin who picks the winners by gesturing to cardboard cutouts of the nominees with his tentacles? We’ll never tell!
Best Supporting Actor:
Winner: J.K. Simmons, “Whiplash"
Reasoning: Of all the nominated supporting actors, he was by far the best one, duh!
If not, it will definitely be: n/a
Best Supporting Actress:
Winner: Patricia Arquette, “Boyhood'
Reasoning: Ditto above.
If not, it will definitely be: Emma Stone, "Birdman"
Winner: Julianne Moore, “Still Alice"
Reasoning: Because we haven't cried so much in a movie since Falcor drowns in the Deadly Swamp of Sadness in "The NeverEnding Story" (which was robbed at the Oscars, by the way).
If not, it will definitely be: Meryl Streep, "Into the Woods." (Admittedly she wasn't nominated in this category, but why should that stop her?)
Winner: Eddie Redmayne, “The Theory of Everything"
Reasoning: Not enough Cumberbitches in the academy.
If not, it will definitely be: Michael Keaton, "Birdman"
Best Original Screenplay:
Winner: Wes Anderson, "The Grand Budapest Hotel"
Reasoning: Lots of former lobby boys in the academy.
If not, it will definitely be: "Birdman," Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris Jr. and Armando Bo
Best Adapted Screenplay:
Winner: Graham Moore, "The Imitation Game"
Reasoning: Because Harvey Weinstein told us to.
If not, it will definitely be: Damien Chazelle, "Whiplash"
Best Documentary Feature:
Reasoning: "Citizenfour" has been uniquely involved in the conversation about security and privacy that has dominated political and cultural discourse in recent months (at least more than the other films, which are about photographers, gorillas and the Vietnam War, respectively).
If not, it will definitely be: "Virunga." It's about monkeys!
Best Foreign Language Film:
Reasoning: A Polish film has never won an Academy Award. It is Poland's turn!
If not, it will definitely be: "Leviathan"
Best Animated feature:
Winner: "How to Train Your Dragon 2"
Reasoning: After the "Lego Movie" wasn't nominated, everybody threw up their hands in despair and nominated the one with the highest international box office.
If not, it will definitely be: "Big Hero 6" (the second highest international box office)
Best Original Song:
Winner: “Glory” (“Selma”)
Reasoning: Of all the nominated songs, this is the only one that has been introduced by Beyoncé at the Grammys.
If not, it will definitely be: "Everything is Awesome" ("The Lego Movie")
Winner: Alejandro González Iñárritu, "Birdman"
Reasoning: The award for directing is generally a pretty simple either/or: It either goes to the director who shoots the least amount of takes, or the one who shoots the most takes annually over a 12-year-long period. That's why this year is especially tough.
If not, it will definitely be: Richard Linklater, "Boyhood"
Reasoning: Over the past 88 years, 97.3 percent of Oscar best picture winners have been single words beginning with B.
If not, it will definitely be: "Birdman"
And there you have it! Stick with us on your Oscar ballots. There is no way we’re going to be wrong about any of these.