I watched the Randy Quaid porno so you don't have to

It's full of erotic asphyxiation, paranoia and Rupert Murdoch's name uttered during climax. You're welcome!

Published March 18, 2015 11:00PM (EDT)

Randy and Evi Quaid      (vidme/RandyQuaid)
Randy and Evi Quaid (vidme/RandyQuaid)

When I heard about the Randy Quaid sex tape, I knew I had been called upon once again to fulfill my journalistic duty of watching a terrible porn so that you don’t have to. The "Independence Day" actor turned conspiracy theorist published the two-part video, which is more than an hour long, starring him and his wife, Evi, to the video-sharing site vidme, just as with the now infamous clip published last month of him simulating sex with his wife while she wears a Rupert Murdoch mask. The latest is similarly fixated on the 21st Century Fox CEO, who Quaid alleges has put him through "a living hell of biblical proportions," and a Hollywood "cabal" he says is responsible for killing Heath Ledger, David Carradine and Michael Jackson -- but unlike the earlier video, it features actual sex.

Yes, I have seen Randy Quaid's penis. I have watched Randy Quaid perform cunnilingus on his wife. I have watched Randy Quaid receive a blow job. I have watched Randy Quaid choke his wife with a belt while she brings herself to orgasm. And I have lived to tell the tale.

The first video, titled "Actor Randy Quaid and Evi Quaid on the Art of SEX in a Hollywood Marriage Part 1," opens with his wife lying on a bed wearing pigtail braids and the same black bikini from the previous video. Allow me to set the scene: The bed is covered with a black-and-red lumberjack blanket. Above it, a photo of Murdoch's face is pasted on the wall and tilted at an angle as though looking down at the action to come. There's also the subtle decorative choice of yellow tape reading, "Danger."  Quaid is clad in the Hawaiian shirt he wore in "Independence Day" and a camo trucker hat. His beard is about twice as large as in the last video, rendering him more Santa Claus than "Duck Dynasty."

From the camera mounted on his desk, we see him wordlessly grab a GoPro and proceed to his wife on the bed. He pulls off her bikini bottoms and goes down on her. At least, it appears so. The bill of his hat blocks much of the action until Evi takes it off and puts it on her own head. Randy's face just sits there, wedged between her legs with hardly any movement. Is he alive? Is he breathing? Are there lingual acrobatics going on under his massive beard? It is entirely unclear, just as it is unclear if his wife is deriving any pleasure from it, as she makes nary a sound.

Speaking of sound, the whole time that this is happening, their dog, who is right there in the room with them, is barking in the background. Incessantly. Gratingly. I cannot emphasize enough how completely awful it is to listen to and yet they seem completely impervious to it. That is truly the most unbelievable thing about this video -- not the weird sex or paranoid rantings, but the fact that they do not tell that dog to shut up.

Eventually -- just about when I notice the beads of sweat that have appeared on Randy's balding head, despite his lack of movement -- she appears to have an orgasm. Then the video cuts to another angle of her appearing to have an orgasm. Then we see Randy sit in front of the stationary camera and make some tired noises, like, "Shew," while wiping his forehead. "You like the camera on you, don’t you," he tells his wife. Then she pulls off his belt and begins performing oral sex on him, although his dick is conspicuously not visible and you only see her head bobbing up and down.

Then it cuts to the earlier moment, post-orgasm, with Evi lying on the bed without any pants on, the dog sniffing her. “You want a blow job now?" she asks him. “No! I don’t want one," he says and then sighs. She breaks out a vibrator and stands next to him moaning -- and then it cuts back to the blow job from earlier -- or later or whatever. What time is it? Where are we? What's happening? Anyway, we see GoPro footage of Randy's dick as Evi goes down on him. Eventually she utters, "I wanna fuck your cock," and then hops right on. That's when Randy's song about TMZ and murder begins to play.

Oh, and the dog is still barking this ENTIRE TIME.

He seemingly has an orgasm and then it cuts to another angle of his orgasm for good measure, this time the dog's seemingly empathetic panting very audible. "That was much better than anything, huh?" says Evi afterward. "Fucking in front of Rupert." Randy replies, "That was the best blow job maybe I’ve ever had." Which, again, we see replayed from a different angle. Perhaps these videos are just a very artistic statement on the mutability of time?

Then comes the erotic asphyxiation scene. Evi ties a belt around her neck, says something about autoerotic asphyxiation and how that was how David Carradine "supposedly" died, and then tells Randy, “Let’s pretend we're doing that." But first, she asks Randy to come up with a safety word.

Randy: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

Evi: "That’s too long a safety word. How about 'Rupert'?"

Randy: "Okay, Rupe."

Then she starts up the vibrator and Randy, responding to the dog who is, of course, still barking, says, "I’d like to strangle that dog." (Most relatable moment of the whole film.) Eventually, her face turns kind of red and she seemingly orgasms while moaning, "Ah, Rupert. Ah, Rupert."

That brings me to the 48-minute-long Part 2, which almost entirely consists of Randy and Evi explaining their conspiracy theories about murdered celebrities and Hollywood estate planners. Here are some random bits of dialogue that I wrote down:

"When Heath died ... it was supposedly of a drug overdose, but the masseuse was there, and remember on the equities website how they had literally 500 masseuses for every Broadway production."

"First of all, our phones were bugged."

"The gentleman who testified at the Jackson hearing was the same emergency worker who came to our house when our housekeeper faked a heart attack.”

"I believe somebody got to him and gave him some money to do in Michael Jackson."

“I think it’s very undignified to talk about Michael Jackson and his death and all of that while we’re sitting here like this ... You’re talking about life and death and you're wearing this bikini."

"Celebrities in Hollywood are taken advantage of by this cabal of estate planners.”

“What’s the point of all this?”

It's about as nuts as it sounds. They yell at each other a bunch, particularly about what they're wearing and whether their outfits are suitable, given the subject at hand. Then, seemingly resolved on that particular debate, she gives him a blow job while he wears a Murdoch mask. Then he pretends to give her a blow job while she wears a Murdoch mask and pretends to smoke a joint. Naturally, the dog is barking once again.

I have but one question after sitting through the entire 72 minutes of those videos: Where is my hazard pay?

By Tracy Clark-Flory

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