Louis C.K. roasts New York: "The only way you can get to zero pedestrian deaths is to have zero stupid people"

The comedian made an appearance at the Inner Circle roast dinner and interpreted the mayor's innermost thoughts

Published March 30, 2015 5:19PM (EDT)

               (Louis C.K.)
(Louis C.K.)

New York City political journalists were invited to attend the annual Inner Circle roast dinner last night, an event which, historically, has been used to lampoon the mayor in office and afford them the rare opportunity to make light of their own political blunders on a public stage.

Mayor Bill de Blasio enlisted the help of Louis C.K. (as well as "Nightly Show" host Larry Wilmore) to throw some shade in his general direction -- and, in turn, raise money for city charities. According to Newsday, this year's event is forecasted to raise upwards of $100,000.

Louis C.K. assumed the role of de Blasio's thought interpreter and refuted every one of the mayor's jargon-y proclamations with its honest translation. At one point, the comedian tackled Pizzaghazi -- the "foodie firestorm” that ignited after the mayor was caught eating a pizza with a knife and fork, attempting to live his best life before pesky journalists rushed to the scene to capture the monstrosity. "Is there anybody more useless than a reporter? He hates those people. Just get out of the way, OK? You wield power and add nothing ... If you weren't here, he would fix everything in three fucking days."

Going in on de Blasio's statement on eliminating all pedestrian deaths, Louis C.K. translated: "Never gonna happen. The only way you can get to zero pedestrian deaths is to have zero stupid people in the city."

Louis C.K. let the joke write itself when he came to the topic of police brutality. He simply responded "Yep" following de Blasio's statement that "[the] police unions are solely committed to the safety of our citizens." He topped it off by announcing that he had pot on him. Watch that exchange below:

By Colin Gorenstein

Colin Gorenstein is Salon's assistant editor of internet and viral content. Follow @colingorenstein or email cgorenstein@salon.com.

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