The Rand Paul 2016 Crypto-Libertarian Presidential Dream Anti-Machine is up and running. Kentucky’s junior senator and most prominent conspiracy theorist announced this morning that he is officially seeking the Republican nomination for president, and debuted a slick new campaign website with its own campaign store.
I perused the online wares to pick out the finest bits of Rand 2016 swag, and I present them here for your consideration. Please note that, for your convenience, the Rand Paul store accepts several different forms of payment: credit, debit, Bitcoin, Krugerrands, Liberty dollars, Confederate scrip, survival rations, and pictures of cool guns.
Rand On A Stick ($35.00)
Yep, that’s what you’re getting here. It’s a picture of Rand Paul, and it’s on a stick. To be specific, it’s 12 pictures of Rand Paul on 12 different sticks, for which you’ll pay 35 American dollars. Rand’s website calls them “freedom paddles,” which is just super, and says they’re “great for rallies, parades, meetings, operas, church services that lack air conditioning and so much more.” Operas! You’ll be the toast of high society with your $3 plastic cut-out of the elfin senator man. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Your Excellency: have you heard how the Bilderbergers are undermining American democracy? Oh but of course you have!”
But if you’re not the opera type, there are just so many more things you can do with 12 Rand Pauls on a stick. Pass them around at jury duty to bring a little libertarian zest to death penalty votes. Recreate the Last Supper with Rand Paul standing in for each apostle. The possibilities are limited only by the breadth of your imagination.
The Real Rand Woven Blanket ($75.00)
Finally, an end to the counterfeit Rand Paul woven blanket market. The Real Rand Woven Blanket is, by the campaign website’s description, the next best thing to actually basking in the warmth and radiance of Rand Paul as he assaults you with dorm-room sermonizing about Ayn Rand:
Sure it might be fun to have Rand in your living room at night engaging in deep discussions about objectivism, libertarianism, conservatism and a few other isms. In the absence of that, curl up on your couch with the Rand blanket. It's the next best thing to him being there.
If the Real Rand Woven Blanket experience sounds a little too “real,” you can always opt for the regular, non-“Real” Rand Woven Blanket, which costs the same and protects you from big government and the tyrannies of proper punctuation and grammar:
Linus had a security blanket, but how about a Liberty blanket.[?] The Rand Torch Logo blanket not only keeps you warm, but it plays it's [sic] small part [in] keeping you free. How's that for a little security and peace of mind.[?]
Giant Rand Paul Birthday Card ($35.00)
Nothing says “Happy birthday, cherished friend and/or loved one” quite like a campaign advertisement. But look at this card! It’s so much bigger than a birthday card should be! And for just $35 you can tell someone you care about that their birthday is just another excuse for you to keep bringing up politics all the god damn time. “There’s one thing I have to say to you…” Rand Paul says on the front. And then you open it up and Rand finishes that thought: “…gay rights don’t exist!”
Stand With Rand Car Mats ($70.00)
Okay, Rand. You’re taking this libertarian thing too far. I understand that you guys get all up in arms about seat belts and speed limits as tyrannical government intrusion upon your constitutional right to turn your car into a high-velocity death machine, but car mats that say “I Stand With Rand” are just completely out of bounds.
No one should be standing, for Rand Paul or anyone else, while operating a vehicle. I’m not even sure how that’s possible – maybe if you have a sunroof and you move the seat all the way back – but it’s definitely not safe.
Also: 70 bucks seems like a lot to pay for two floor mats. I can get four perfectly good car mats at Target for twenty bucks, and those mats won’t get me killed by encouraging dangerous upright driving practices.
Autographed Constitution by Rand Paul ($1,000.00)
Where in the Constitution does it say that Constitutions should cost $1,000? Here’s a tip, genius: IT DOESN’T. Therefore these Constitutions are unconstitutional. Just like Obamacare.
Really, though, these pocket-sized, Rand-stamped Constitutions are a triumph of free-market conservatism in practice. You can pick up a regular old pocket Constitution on Amazon for a dollar. Does scrawling Rand Paul’s 4th-grade autograph on a pocket Constitution boost its value a thousand-fold? Absolutely not. But rich dummies will buy them because they love the Constitution and also love spending money on politicians who will lower their tax burden and eliminate the welfare state in the name of “freedom.”