As your sage aunt no doubt told you in a bourbon-tinged monologue before passing out on the “festive rug” your mom put out during Christmas, orgasms are fun! And we, as a people, go to great lengths to teach others how to make these very specific and fleeting muscle spasms occur.
Well, this list is the opposite of that! Read on to learn how NOT to orgasm by using baby powder, “curvy moves,” and the many vaginas you didn’t know you had on your body, courtesy of wise life advice magazines like AskMen and Cosmo.
1. AskMen: Kiss the right side of her spine
“Touch on the right side of a woman’s spine makes her melt more so than the left side, perhaps because the left side of the brain controls her right side and it's the logical side that can talk her into anything. Whether you’re kissing her there, stroking her or gently teasing her with a tickler, just make sure your moves are curvy.”
If you touch the left side of her spine, she’ll start singing “Proud to Be an American,” so don’t even think about that unless you both want to end up crying. Also, what are curvy moves? Are we having sex or is this a Bollywood movie?
2. AskMen: Put on musky cologne and baby powder
“Smell is the strongest of the five senses when it comes to sexual functioning for two reasons: First, since anything musky mimics testosterone, it’ll kick her libido into high gear. Baby powder can have a similar effect by activating her ‘scent print,’ which links babies to procreation.”
Mmm, nothing makes women hotter than smelling an astringent powder used for preventing diaper rash.
3. Cosmo: H2OhNo
“If you want to bring your man to the boiling point, try this hot-water trick. Put a warm — not scalding — cup of H2O by the bed. Before you go down on him, take a sip to get your mouth nice and toasty, and swallow. Then take another small sip, but this time hold on to the liquid as you take him in your mouth, swish the water around his member for a few seconds and then swallow. If any of it spills on him, just lick it off; we promise, he won't mind one little bit.”
Who DOESN’T love backwash on his penis?
This trick also releases plaque build-up in your molars!
4. Men’s Health mag: Cold feet? Have you tried putting your penis on them?
"Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they're in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found. To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."
If that doesn’t work, stick her feet directly into a microwave. The radiation will give her an interesting sensation and remind her of Hot Pockets. Bitches love Hot Pockets! Because they inadvertently remind her of vaginas, which remind her of sex, which reminds her of Catholic school and how she is surely going to Hell, which reminds her of Catholic school GIRLS, which she was for Halloween once in 2007, and how that night she got a nice back rub from a drag queen dressed as ZomBeyonce, which made her feel less deeply alone in the world, and thus a little turned on. Plus, Hot Pockets are delicious!
5. My Tiny Secrets: You have at least four VAGINA’S!
Really, you should read the entire post, which apostrophes “vagina’s” and includes lengthy, confusing run-ons, such as “The back of her neck, the spine that leads up to the coccyx, the muscles wrapping around the spine on the neck are her lips, and the coccyx is her clitoris, the spine is the empty space and opening, and the entire neck is her entire vagina as a whole.”
That may be the best sentence ever written by confused sex robots.
Also, according to this lady, women have vaginas the way cows have stomachs. My favorite is the Foot Vagina: “The top of the foot and the bottom of the foot are an entire vagina. The top of the foot is the outer lips, the bottom of the foot is the inner lips and labia, and the entrance to her vaginal canal and her clitoris is somewhere along the bottom of her foot.”
Someone clearly needs to introduce this lady to whoever wrote the Men’s Health cold-foot-penis advice above.
6. AskMen: Oral sex needs more boxing imagery
“The ‘Rope-a-dope’ [is] the strategy Muhammad Ali used to take down George Foreman during the edge-of your-seat Rumble in the Jungle. Let her push and grind against your flat, still tongue ... and then spring back with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes. Lick her senseless with a short burst of energy and then return to the flat, still tongue, waiting for yet another opportune moment to spring to life again.”
YOUR VAGINA IS GEORGE FOREMAN.
NOW SOMEONE MAKE ME A SANDWICH ON AN ELECTRICALLY HEATED GRILL.
7. Men’s Health: Straight women enjoy penises
“Penises are sexy to women," says Tierney Lorenz, M.A., a researcher at the sexual psychophysiology laboratory at the University of Texas at Austin.”
WELL, THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!*
*Admittedly, this is not orgasm advice. But too great not to include.
8. Cosmo: Stand aside, Achilles
“Halfway between his heel and ankle bone is a fingertip-size pressure point that we've learned has enormous passion potential. … Do the deed in the reverse girl-on-top position, so you face his feet. As you sense your guy is getting close to climax, reach forward, grab his ankles and pulse each pressure point in rhythm with your thrusts. He'll blow a gasket in seconds.”
IT’S DEFINITELY THE ANKLE-PULSING THING AND NOT THE HAVING-SEX-WITH-A-WOMAN THING THAT’S DOING IT FOR HIM.
9. Men’s Health: Belly button? More like BELLY BUTTON VAGINA
“While there isn’t much research on the subject … ”
HA, like that ever stopped anyone from giving sex advice.
“... it’s theorized that belly button stimulation can hit the vagus nerve, a branchlike structure that connects the brain to the cervix via the belly. For men, it’s the vagus nerve that causes that stomach-turning, nauseatingly painful feeling when you’re kicked in the balls. But for certain women, stimulating that nerve via the belly button can take them straight to Pleasuretown.”
But I was told we were going to Funky Town. I feel misled.
10. Cosmo: The Tri-Gasm
“When you sense he's about there, cup his balls gently and press his perineum at the same time. That plus him inside you equals three erogenous zones being stimulated at once — intense.”
Works best if standing on one foot in half-lotus position, while reciting the quadratic equation, and baking cookies. BITCHES LOVE HALF-LOTUS QUADRATIC EQUATION RECITATION AND COOKIES.