Welcome to Wingnut Bingo, Salon's official drinking game: Rick Santorum edition

Because we're already taking shots every time the GOP presidential hopeful mentions bestiality

By Jenny Kutner

Published July 10, 2015 7:15PM (EDT)

Rick Santorum                     (AP/Charlie Neibergall)
Rick Santorum (AP/Charlie Neibergall)

Welcome to Wingnut Bingo, the drinking game that celebrates former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum's unparalleled ability to connect social issues in a way that makes very little logical sense but sounds very, very scary, regardless of one's political views! Unfortunately, this game does not include any references to Santorum's proclivity for wearing sweater vests, as we do not want anyone to have to drink so much they need to be hospitalized.

Santorum actually seems to be in on our game already, indicated by the whopper of bingo bait he gave a crowd of anti-choice advocates at the National Right to Life Committee's annual convention on Friday. Affirming that he'll continue to oppose same-sex marriage despite the Supreme Court's recent ruling to extend the right to people in all 50 states, the GOP presidential hopeful explained that the decision is actually the result of "a cancer that is infecting the body of America" -- a "cancer" otherwise known as Roe v. Wade.

That's right, marriage equality (a bad thing) is legal only because abortion (an even worse thing) is legal, and Santorum is the only guy who seems to understand that this situation is going to destroy the world. Everybody take a shot.

And, since it's almost the weekend, let's take a few more shots at Santorum...and his favorite oratory topics. Have a bottle of tequila at the ready, but first grab yourself a beer. If you lean to the right, consider cracking open a Guinness, just like ole Rick; more progressive players might want to sip a “too bitter" IPA. Here we go!

Take a sip of your drink if Santorum:

Claims same-sex marriage leads to bestiality

Claims same-sex marriage leads to polygamy

Claims same-sex marriage leads to adultery

Claims same-sex marriage leads to incest

Laments the Affordable Care Act (referred to only as “Obamacare”)

Take two sips of your drink if Santorum:

Says [insert thing] will cause more abortions (ex: prenatal testing)

Says abortion will cause more [insert thing] (ex: breast cancer)

Uses the phrase “judicial activism”

Mentions people trying to “rewrite the Constitution”

Makes a passive aggressive dig about the pope

Finish your beer if Santorum:

Compares [insert thing] to Nazism

Compares [insert thing] to apartheid

Compares [insert thing] to 9/11

Take a shot if Santorum:

Talks about “blah” people

Talks about people having sex without saying “sex” (alternative phrases might include “things in the sexual realm” or “the act”)

Asserts that abortion is worse than [insert progressive cause Santorum has previously decried] (ex: Social Security; universal healthcare; climate change; same-sex marriage)

Asserts that abortion is the fundamental reason for [insert generally condemned social issue] (ex: eugenics/racism — or today’s edition, same-sex marriage!)

Loses a bid for the White House (you might want to pace yourself; this happens often)

Drain the bottle of tequila (and consider grabbing another beer) if Santorum:

Wins a bid for the White House

Jenny Kutner

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