In her new Esquire profile of "Fantastic Four" star Miles Teller, writer Anna Peele circles around one pivotal, enduring question: Is Miles Teller a dick? The answer turns out to be a pretty resounding YA DUH BRO, as the cocksure twenty-eight year old proves himself to be a veritable treasure-trove of douchebaggy soundbites and behaviors, from comparing his drinking vessel to his dong to referring to Joaquin Phoenix as “Joaq.”
Here are 7 of his worst offenses:
1. When he tells a waitress that his highball glass is modeled after his cock:
"You've just told him, by way of making conversation, that according to legend the champagne coupe in your hand is shaped like Marie Antoinette's left breast, and he tells you the highball glass is modeled after his cock. Then he tells the waitress the same thing."
2. When he doesn’t know the word canon, but he knows that he should be a part of it:
"He says he wants to contribute to the body of great acting in the world, to the . . . shit, he can't find the term—cache? catalog? canon? Whatever, you know what he means. He thinks he has something to offer."
3. When he sent a text comparing himself to NBA great Kobe Bryant:
"He recounts a direct message he—a twenty-eight-year-old actor still trying to find his place in his profession—sent to five-time NBA champion Kobe Bryant through Twitter: Kobe, watched your Showtime documentary. Really related to what you're talking about and striving for greatness and how it can oftentimes be an isolated journey, and how relationships can be a weakness in a way, if you're really kind of going after it."
4. When he describes his self-image:
"I was thinking about that today, how I probably think I'm better-looking than the public thinks I am.”
5. When he refers to Joaquin Phoenix as “Joaq":
"I just said Joaq. Joaquin Phoenix. I don't know him, but my publicist has repped him since he was, like, seventeen. She repped River, too. So I just hear his name.”
6. When he describes how he deals with the paparazzi:
"I don't give a shit," he says, tough guy. "I can either censor myself or not, and you're always trying to figure it out. It's how you deal with the paparazzi. Do you not do what you would do? Do you live your life with all these filters and censors because everyone has a camera? Or do you fucking dance how you would dance and have people say, 'Oh, he's on drugs'? I was drinking and was at a fucking Brett Dennen fucking concert.”
7. The joke he makes when he hears about rape allegations against Uber drivers:
"You tell him about some recent sexual-assault accusations leveled at the company's drivers, so he tells you he's requesting 'Do not rape' service.”
Read the full profile at Esquire — Peele's commentary on Teller throughout the piece is perfect.