"Fantastic Four is an unmitigated garbage fire,” and 15 other terrible reviews director Josh Trank is not responsible for

The director wants you to know that it's not his fault the movie turned out this way

Published August 7, 2015 2:51PM (EDT)

  (Twentieth Century Fox)
(Twentieth Century Fox)

If you didn’t like the new “Fantastic Four” movie -- which you almost certainly didn’t -- don’t blame director Josh Trank. The "Chronicle" director, who recently bowed out of of Disney and Lucasfilm's forthcoming "Star Wars" spinoffs because he needed a break from blockbusters, took to Twitter to defend himself against the siege of bad reviews rolling in.

“A year ago I had a fantastic version of this. And it would’ve received great reviews,” Trank wrote yesterday, in a tweet that he quickly deleted. “You’ll probably never see it. That’s reality though.”

You hear that, viewers? This whole flaming mess was the the studio’s fault! Josh Trank is unequivocally not responsible if the film gets bad reviews. Here are some of said reviews that he is not responsible for:

"The rot runs deep, and nobody is immune.” -- Vulture

"A sense of heaviness, gloom and complete disappointment settles in during the second half, as the mundane setup pays no dramatic or sensory dividends whatsoever.” -- The Hollywood Reporter

"Fantastic Four is an unmitigated garbage fire” -- Vox

"This Josh Trank-directed reboot had a very low hurdle to overcome to become the best FF movie so far. The most fantastical aspect of the movie is that it may not achieve that goal." -- Entertainment Weekly

"Can lay claim to one of the longest, dullest setups - OK, it's an origin story - in movie history” -- Philadelphia Inquirer

"Thus does the summer of the superhero movie stumble to an end with a whimper and a wheeze." -- Seattle Times

"The latest reboot of the Fantastic Four — the cinematic equivalent of malware — is worse than worthless. It not only scrapes the bottom of the Marvel-movie barrel; it knocks out the floor and sucks audiences into a black hole of soul-crushing, coma-inducing dullness." -- Rolling Stone

"Frankly, it's amazing this is watchable at all." -- Time Out

"An unfortunate movie... that does an embarrassing disservice to the decades-old property and is a frightful waste of all the talent involved." -- USA Today

"Ms. Mara disappears. Her character also has the power to make other things vanish. I would say she should have exercised it on this movie, but in a week or two that should take care of itself.” -- The New York Times

"An object lesson in how not to create a superhero origin story." -- The Daily Mirror

"His Fantastic Four, as misshapen as The Thing himself, takes a full hour to even grant its superheroes their superpowers. It’s shockingly humorless and glacially slow for a film featuring a bendy boy genius, an invisible woman, a human torch, and a talking pile of stones.” -- The AV Club

“For some viewers, 'Fantastic Four' will be the first experience of heartbreak. For me, it is merely one more in a chain of disappointments.” -- The Washington Post

"The whole movie feels like a tale being made up on the spot by a hypercaffeinated 6-year-old." -- The New York Daily News

"At one point, Baxter Institute's chairman of the board, played by Tim Blake Nelson, is seen in a control room at what is supposed to be a tense moment. The way he’s checking his cellphone, distractedly, you wonder if it’s the actor texting his agent about an unrelated matter of more dramatic interest than anything in 'Fantastic Four.'" -- The Chicago Tribune

“This is the summer’s worst movie.” -- New York Post

By Anna Silman

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