The fight to find a new sacrificial lamb in the GOP is heating up. Everyone who has ever cozied up to cameras is being considered. But Tuesday's Daily Show with Trevor Noah had a spoooooky story of what's actually going on inside the Beltway. Why is it so spooky? Republicans can't run away fast enough from the idea of being the new Speaker of the House. They're more terrified of that than being caught on camera shaking the president's hand!
"Wow, being Speaker of the House is so awful, even Mike Rowe would be like, 'Uhhh, can we just do another episode where I work inside a toilet? Can we just do that?'" Noah joked. "Because, as Speaker, Boehner found out, representing the interests of the fractured Republican Party while maintaining a functioning legislature is an impossible task. You're the negotiator for a group that doesn't want to negotiate. It's like piloting a plane but without the wings. Or a tail. Or an engine. Or pretty much anything but the peanuts. You're flying a bag of peanuts!"
But that's where gym rat and Eddie Munster look-a-like Paul Ryan could come in to save the day. Congress loved him. They begged him. They were crazy about him. But that was last week. This week, he's like Playboy magazine now that they're cutting out all of the nudity. "Now, as soon as a bill hits the floor, you've got five guys ready to filibuster it. Whatever happened to foreplay?"
So, Noah has some important advice for House Republicans:
"Leave Paul Ryan alone," Noah said. “He’s just not that into you. At this rate, in a few days I feel like Paul Ryan will probably grow a beard and someone will come and be like, 'Are you running?' and he’ll answer the door like, ‘Paul Ryan? You just missed him. I’m his brother, Paul Bryan.'”
Senior Playboy Correspondent Jessica Williams was on Capitol Hill ready to report:
“It used to be that if you were looking to see pictures of naked ladies, Playboy knew what turned you on. In the same way that Paul Ryan was the clean-cut conservative boy-next-door who used to excite Republicans,” she explained. “But the times have changed. You’ve got all these sleazy sites offering extreme-right positions with the click of a mouse. Tasteful conservatism just ain’t gonna do it for you anymore.”
Check out the videos below for even more hilarity: