Sexy teenage vampire Stephen Colbert's Halloween warning: "A marauding orange monster is on the loose and it's not Donald Trump"

These inflatable dangers are almost as terrifying as razor blades in candy or those a-holes who give out apples.


Sarah Burris
October 31, 2015 4:40PM (UTC)

Dressed as a sexy teenage vampire (without the sparkle), "Late Show" host Stephen Colbert spent the night before Halloween warning the audience of a terrifying incident that occurred in Peoria, Arizona, where a giant inflatable pumpkin wasn't properly secured and ended up blowing through the town.

"A marauding orange monster is on the loose and for once it's not Donald Trump," Colbert joked.

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The rogue Halloween decor blew into traffic rolling over cars before bending a street light eventually getting stuck on a swing set. "Per Halloween tradition it will be left there until mid-January." While this crisis might be over, Colbert warns that any minute the tube men could rise up and flail us to death with their noodley arms. Or worse 'Summer Fun King Kong' could crush us after he crushes the competition's prices on lease to own Mazdas."

These inflatable dangers are almost as terrifying as razor blades in candy or those assholes who give out apples and carrots on Halloween. "Now, once you've made sure everything is safe, you can return the candy to the kids, minus, of course, a small inspection fee. Daddy's got to get his beak wet and his Butterfinger." Colbert then goes on to dispel the myth that there has ever been a razor blade in any piece of candy. The urban legend makes the rounds each year but as Colbert says, "razor blades are way too expensive. You might as well fill peanut butter cups with printer cartridges."

But now, thanks to another killjoy, you have to inspect your kids' candy because someone put a disposal razor into a Snickers bar. "So, not only will it cut your mouth, but the lubricating strip tastes terrible," Colbert joked.

Check out the video below:

The dangers this Halloween:

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Colbert's sexy vampire opening:


Sarah Burris

MORE FROM Sarah Burris

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