"I'm babysitting here and I've smoked a fair amount of PCP": Stephen Colbert brilliantly trolls the Butterball hotline

"I have deep unresolved feelings of rage and they come out when I baste the turkey"

Published November 24, 2015 12:41PM (EST)

The good people at the Butterball Hotline got more than they bargained for when they came into work on Monday. That's because "Late Show" host Mr. Stephen T. Colbert, troublemaker extraordinaire, was armed with several questions about cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

While hotline experts answer over 100,000 phone calls in November and December, their numbers peak on Thanksgiving Day, which means right now they aren't all that busy, according to Colbert. So he called for a chat. It's also worth noting that there were only five experts on hand Monday to take Stephen's calls, so he just kept calling the same people over and over again.

Question Number 1: "I've got my turkey in the garage in a hefty bag full of anti-freeze" does that work as a method to thaw?

Question Number 2: "I've got a nephew who wants me to make tofurkey this year. What's the best way to let him know he's no longer welcome in my house?"

Question Number 3: "I like to serve my turkey with some cranberry sauce which I make with a hint of orange zest and red wine. The thing is... my kids like it plain. So, should I serve both kinds? Or should I leave my family and move to Barcelona and pursue my dream of being a dancer?"

Question Number 4: "I have deep unresolved feelings of rage and they come out when I baste the turkey. I do what I call hate basting where I just jab it with the baster and pretend it's the face of people who have wronged me. Here's my question: Will that flavor come out in the turkey?"

Question Number 5: "What's the best way to fry the turkey without setting my house on fire? And as a quick follow-up question can you connect me to the fire department?"

Question Number 6: "If I'm running low on turkey, can I just bust into a Boston Market, steal one of the rotisserie chickens, bring it home and tell everyone that 'oops, it shrank?'"

Question Number 7: "I'm in a new relationship and I'm dating a guy who walks around with a big hoodie and a mini stereo that blasts Reggae Town. In certain ways, I'm ashamed of him and even repulsed by him, but our sexual chemistry is like nothing I've ever experienced and for the first time in 30 years I feel like I'm alive. My question is: Should I tent the bird with foil? Or should I let it roast uncovered?"

Question Number 8: "I'm trying to do a turducken this year and I'm trying to get the duck into the turkey, but the turkey is having none of it, he keeps running away. I got the chicken into the duck and I gotta say the duck doesn't seem happy about that either. Um... it's walkin' funny."

Question 9: "I'm stuffing the turkey in a special way this year, before I ship it to a friend, where I put the stuffing in little balloons and stuff them in the turkey's body cavity. And my second question is: are you a cop? ... Also, can police dogs smell through turkey meat?"

Question 10: "Sharla, maybe you can help me with something. Is it baby in the bassinet and turkey in the oven? Because I'm babysitting here and I've smoked a fair amount of PCP."

Question 11: "What size turkey would you recommend for 47 people? ... I only want to buy one because it looks prettier on the table."

Question 12: "I enjoy a crouton-based stuffing with my Thanksgiving dinner, but my sister-in-law enjoys crack cocaine at all times of the year. Do I still have to invite her to dinner this year?"

Check out the videos below:

Part 1:

Part 2:

By Sarah Burris

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Butterball Hotline Cooking Late Late Show Late Show With Stephen Colbert Stephen Colbert Thanksgiving