Trump and Huckabee supporters have bigger penises, according to this groundbreaking survey

Cards Against Humanity also found out which candidate's fans, among its own customers, had the most sexual partners

By Brendan Gauthier
December 17, 2015 2:51AM (UTC)
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(AP/Susan Walsh/Reuters/Brendan Mcdermid/Photo montage by Salon)

The good social scientists at Cards Against Humanity dropped the results of a comprehensive survey of 150,000 of its customers, once and for all statistically confirming the direct correlation between the number of books a person has read and the “Fast and Furious” movies he or she has watched.

According to the study’s authors, “There’s nothing more exciting to idiots on the internet than fishing spurious correlations out of unreliable, non-representative datasets and then sharing them in easily consumable infographics.” Now hush up, deGrasse Tyson, and let the big boy scientists talk.

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The real bombshell was the relationship between penis length and preferred presidential candidate. The study found that Huckabee and Trump supporters have the largest penises, with the latter edging out the former by a mere .03 inches. The farther left you fall on the spectrum, in fact, the tinier your manhood. Sanders and O’Malley supporters had the smallest average penises at 6.61” and 6.62”, respectively.

Number of sexual partners vs. preferred candidate gave better indication that the world might be a fair place, as Cruz (10.4), Carson (10), and Rubio (9.5, yikes) were ostensible virgins in the shadow of big-dicked Trump supporters’ average 13.4 sexual partners.

On the whole, the study found Republican penises are .21 inches longer than those of Democrats, which I’m sure will be thoroughly debated below in the comments section.

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The findings, for sure, present a tough blow for us #libtards. But if it's any consolation, all 10.9 of my sexual partners told me that size doesn’t matter, and that I’m not cute when I cry.

Examine the entire findings here.


Brendan Gauthier

Brendan Gauthier is a freelance writer.

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Cards Against Humanity Carson Cruz Huckabee Penis Size Sanders Trump