We’re just one week removed from Christmas, which means time is running short to purchase gifts for those closest to you. If you’re stuck for ideas, fear not: I’ve scoured the websites of the 2016 presidential candidates and picked out the finest, most elegant pieces of holiday-themed campaign swag. These gifts are the perfect way to tell someone you love that you are incapable of putting politics aside for one lousy second, even on Christmas.
So get out those credit cards and be sure to act fast: Supplies are limited, and some of these candidates are not a sure bet to make it all the way to Christmas.
The Rand Christmas Mug ($20)
This garish hot-beverage conveyance features a white-on-green stenciled image of Sen. Rand Paul that is a stylistic rip-off of that “Reservoir Dogs” poster you and every other late Gen-X male had in your freshman year dorm room. It’s not especially festive, though the campaign website does boast that “every mug serves up 15 ounces of hot freedom,” which is a phrase I never want to encounter again in my life. Perhaps the most noteworthy aspect of this mug is that it makes clear Rand Paul has thrown in with the evil forces of secular multiculturalism in the War on Christmas: “Here's our Christmas mug...or Holiday mug...whatever you want to call it.” Bill O’Reilly’s gonna be pissed.
Recommendation: Buy for someone you hate
Rand Paul Holiday Jingle Socks ($20)
I have no idea what the hell these things are. As best as I can tell from the photo, it’s a pair of plain white socks with the Rand 2016 logo and goofy Christmas designs embroidered on the side. But I’m not sure how one is supposed to “jingle your way across the floor in these cheery Rand socks” when there are clearly no visible bells attached to them. The product description mentions the socks have an “antimicrobial treatment” and “arch support,” but says nothing about bells. Feels like a scam.
Recommendation: Donate $20 to Chris Christie out of holiday spite
#AllInForJeb Christmas Ornament ($20)
Nothing speaks to the homey traditions and familial warmth of Christmastime than a fucking hashtag on your Christmas tree. Look at this thing. I mean really look at it. Jeb Bush has created the ugliest Christmas ornament that has ever been devised, and that is an extremely difficult title to win. Is that red thing supposed to be the sun? Because it looks like a massive asteroid streaking through the atmosphere on a civilization-ending collision course with earth, which, coincidentally, is the only way Jeb’s campaign can end without embarrassment.
Recommendation: Purchase ironically and post photo of ornament on Twitter dot com
Jeb Stocking Stuffer Pack ($40)
Imagine the childlike joy you’ll feel running down the stairs Christmas morning, seeing your stocking loaded up with surprises, and reaching in to find… a white sleeveless T-shirt with circa-1974 Jeb Bush on it. “Why would I want that?” your inner child might be asking. Well, you put that little ingrate in his place and ask him right back: “Why wouldn’t you want that?” But that’s not all Santa left for you! You also get two “Jeb!” stickers, two “Jeb!” decals, and a water bottle emblazoned with – you guessed it – “Jeb!” Throw on your vintage Jeb shirt, fill your Jeb! bottle with gin, and celebrate the holiday season the way God intended: drunk and confused.
Recommendation: $40 is a lot of money, are you sure that’s how you want to spend it?
Cruz Limited Edition Christmas Sweater ($65)
What we have here in this festive Christmas sweater is a vision of hell itself. It depicts Ted Cruz’s giant, severed head floating menacingly above the White House. His pallid, ghostly visage is surrounded by flames and writhing snakes in an endless sea of blood. It’s a Boschian depiction of underworld horror that will leave your friends and family chilled through to the core. But if you’re able to look past the soul-rendering terror of this garment, you’ll see that it also imparts that classic message of holiday good cheer: “Don’t Tread on Me.”
Recommendation: An ideal gift for Belphegor the Maggot King, Sower of Discord and Seventh Prince of Hell
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