(AP/Reuters/Brian Snyder/Jae C. Hong/Photo montage by Salon)

Exclusive! Sneak peek at the Official Republican National Convention Agenda!

If you can't wait for Cleveland, check out this first look at the star-studded GOP agenda -- well, one star, anyway


T.R. Reid
January 15, 2016 5:57PM (UTC)

Official Republican National Convention Agenda
Cleveland, Ohio -- July 18-20, 2016

 

Monday, July 18, noon – Ceremony to crown Donald Trump “King of the World”
Venue: Trump Arena
Speakers: Donald Trump, Donald Trump

Monday, 2:00 pm – Ceremony to Honor GOP Hawks Who Served in the Military
Honoree: Lindsey Graham (JAG Corps)

Advertisement:

Monday, 2:10 pm -- Ceremony to Honor GOP Chicken Hawks who Ducked the Draft
Honorees: Ben Carson, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, Carly       Fiorina, Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich

Monday, 3:00 pm – “Deport the Raping Murderers” Rally
Sponsors: Trump Youth; Students’ English-Only Coalition
Dress: White Sheets, Pointed Hats

Monday, 4:00 pm – Second Amendment protest: “Our Right to Own and Carry Air-to-Ground Missiles”
Sponsors: NRA; Missile Manufacturers’ Association

Monday evening -- Floor Debate on Constitutional Amendment to Ban Use of the Term “Great Recession”
Speaker: George W. Bush; Topic: “Why Tax Cuts and Deregulation Worked So Well”

Monday, 10:00 pm -- Keynote Address
Speaker: Clint Eastwood

Tuesday, July 19, 8:00 am – “No Socialized Medicine Here!” Prayer Breakfast
Featuring Sen. Mitch McConnell speaking on: “Why I had My Cardiac By-Pass Surgery at Bethesda Naval Hospital”

Advertisement:

Tuesday, 10:00 am – Rally to Reduce Capital Gains Tax to 0 Percent
Sponsors: Inequality Is Good Coalition; Protect the 1 Percent Campaign
Speakers: Donald Trump, Mitt Romney, Donald Trump

Tuesday, 11:00 am – Iraq War Victory Declaration
Featuring George W. Bush speaking on: “Mission Accomplished”

Tuesday, noon -- Family Values Luncheon
Sponsor: GOP Campaign to Defend the Traditional Family
Speakers: Mrs. Donald Trump #1, #2, and #3
Mrs. Newt Gingrich #1, #2, and #3
U.S. Sen. David Vitter and “companion”

Tuesday, 6:00 pm -- Unveiling of Life-Size Solid Gold Donald Trump Statue
Venue: Trump Plaza
Speakers: Donald Trump, Donald Trump

Advertisement:

Tuesday evening – Floor Debate on Motion to Change Party Rules to Permit Presidential Nominee to Choose Himself as Running Mate
Speakers: Presidential nominee Donald Trump
Vice Presidential nominee Donald Trump

Wednesday, July 20, 8:00 am -- Kindness to Others Prayer Breakfast
Theme: “Bring Back Waterboarding”
Sponsor: American Torture Society
Speaker: Dick Cheney, Donald Trump

Wednesday Luncheon -- Theme: “Get Big Government Out of Our Lives”
Sponsor: National Association of Hypocrites
Speakers: Rick Santorum: “Why Bureaucrats Should Regulate Your Pregnancy”
Mike Huckabee: “Why Bureaucrats Should Decide Whom You Can Marry”
Marco Rubio: “Why Big Brother Should Listen to Your Phone Calls”
Donald Trump: “Regulation Sucks –except for the Bankruptcy Laws

Advertisement:

Wednesday, 2:00 pm -- CEO Tribute
Featuring Carly Fiorina speaking on: “How I Laid Off 30,000 Americans, Moved their Jobs to China, and Got a $21 Million Bonus For It.”
Sponsor: Corporate Ethics Coalition

Wednesday, 3:00 pm -- Rally for Constitutional Amendment Banning Muslims From Elected Office
Speaker: Dr. Ben Carson
Sponsor: League of Religious Bigots
Dress: Brown Shirts

Wednesday, 4:00 pm -- “Let’s Finally Get Tough on ISIS!” Rally
Sponsored by: Federation for More Mideast Wars
Featuring Ted Cruz, speaking on: “Barack Obama Is a Wimp -- But I Kind of Agree That We Don’t Want to Send Troops Back There.”

Advertisement:

Wednesday, 8:00 pm -- Nomination of Vice-Presidential Candidate
Nomination speech: Donald Trump
Acceptance speech: Donald Trump

Wednesday, 10:00 pm -- Nomination of Presidential Candidate
Nomination speech: Donald Trump
Acceptance speech: Donald Trump


T.R. Reid

MORE FROM T.R. Reid

Related Topics ------------------------------------------

2016 Elections Donald Trump Satire




Fearless journalism
in your inbox every day

Sign up for our free newsletter

• • •