Apply to be a Donald Trump surrogate!

Salon has obtained a copy of the incredibly professional vetting application given to prospective Trump surrogates

By Bill Scheft
Published October 15, 2016 8:05PM (EDT)
Donald Trump supporter at a campaign rally   (AP/Evan Vucci)
Donald Trump supporter at a campaign rally (AP/Evan Vucci)

In the wake of mass defections following various NON-scandals, the Trump campaign is looking for surrogates who can start immediately. Please fill out the following questionnaire and hand to anyone who looks like Roger Ailes. (Women applicants, please include phone number and a full-body photo.)

Circle the answer that best applies.

1. What job are you applying for?

  1. Trump surrogate
  2. Trump supporter
  3. Trump stooge
  4. Executive toady
  5. Whatever Newt Gingrich was doing a week ago

2. Are you:

  1. A former endorser?
  2. A former un-endorser?
  3. A former plaintiff?
  4. A former Snake Oil Salesman of the Month?

3. My political ideology is:

  1. Conservative
  2. Alt-right
  3. Flat white
  4. Druid

4. The presidential doctrine I most admire is:

  1. The New Frontier
  2. The Reagan revolution
  3. The Great Society
  4. The John Birch Society

5. What adjective do you feel Donald Trump cannot use enough?

  1. Failed
  2. Crooked
  3. Rigged
  4. Flaccid

5-a. If you picked (d) Flaccid: How many more women do you think will come forward with accusations between now and Election Day?

  1. Zero
  2. Less than zero
  3. That depends on how many the fire marshal lets in. What sleazebags. They all have their hand out. It’s like Calcutta.
  4. Who told you to ask that question, Carlos Slim?

6. What would you consider a commensurate salary:

  1. I am already wealthy in my devotion to the Trump movement
  2. $10,000 a week
  3. $10,000 a week pledged to my choice from David Fahrenthold's list of stiffed charities.
  4. I'm willing to sue for back pay after Nov. 8 and settle for 30 cents on the dollar.

7. The main problem with our inner cities:

  1. Too many black people.
  2. I didn’t say, “black people.” You said, “black people”
  3. I have no idea. I’ve never been to an inner city.
  4. What are you, a cop?

8. What is the best way for the campaign to address the speech made Thursday by First Lady Michelle Obama?

  1. Sorry, didn’t catch it. My TV doesn’t get Lifetime.
  2. I didn’t say “black people,” you said “black people!”
  3. She never mentioned Mr. Trump. She kept saying “Hillary’s opponent.” Let me tell you something. If I was Gary Johnson, I’d file charges.
  4. Huge break for us! Melania has been looking for new material.

9. What name from the Clinton White House years are you willing to invoke on air every 30 seconds?

  1. Monica Lewinsky
  2. Paula Jones
  3. Barbra Streisand
  4. Ronald McDonald

10. Which current Trump surrogate would you say you most resemble?

  1. Kellyanne Conway
  2. Corey Lewandowski
  3. Mr. Lewandowski is no longer with the campaign. I don’t know why you would even ask that.
  4. The really crazy one.
  5. The really really crazy one. You know, that guy. I mean that gal. You know.

11. How do you feel about post-debate polls?

  1. They are incredibly accurate and useful.
  2. They are incredibly accurate and useful, except when they are incredibly biased.
  3. Where is the button for me to click on that reads, “Trump won?”
  4. Where is the program that I can download that clicks the “Trump won” button 10,000 times?

12. Who is your favorite Trump son?

  1. Don Jr.
  2. Eric
  3. Barron
  4. The Jewish guy
  5. Gummo
  6. Baba Booey

13. Hillary Clinton wants to abolish:

  1. The Second Amendment
  2. The second wild card team
  3. "The Seventh Seal"
  4. Kenny Rogers and the First Edition

14. Is the Muslim ban still in effect?

  1. I don’t know; you tell me.
  2. You see any Muslims here? Well, there you have it.
  3. Ban a religion? You fell for that? Wow. Uh, it’s called extreme sarcasm.
  4. Hey, what is this text on my phone from Russia with your social security number?

15. It is fair to gratuitously pick on Rosie O’Donnell because:

  1. She’s a public figure
  2. She started it.
  3. She’s a public figure and she started it.
  4. She left six runners stranded in a scoring position during “A League of Their Own.”

16. Have you ever used the N-word?

  1. Is that mic on?
  2. Define “ever.”
  3. Only when I performed under my hip-hop name, Cheez-Wiz Khalifa
  4. If by the N-word, you mean “narcissist,” absolutely not. You know, it’s not even recognized as a psychological disorder. Go ahead, check. Call PolitiFact. I’ll wait.

17. Which career Republican politician should Mr. Trump take advice from?

  1. Chris Christie
  2. Rudy Giuliani
  3. The late Alf Landon
  4. Whoever married his cousin.
  5. Whoever makes the best presentation to the executives at Snapple.

18. Choose a plausible path for Mr. Trump to 270 electoral votes:

  1. All states carried by Romney in 2012, plus Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida
  2. All Romney states, plus his magic Mormon underpants.
  3. Who says it has to be 270? Why can’t it be 170? Or 70? Why can’t it just be first one to win Wyoming?
  4. Mommy!

19. During last Sunday’s debate, Mr. Trump admitted he opposed the Syrian strategy of his running mate, Gov. Mike Pence. Do you consider this awkward for the ticket?

  1. Pence? I’m sorry, the name doesn’t ring a bell.
  2. We have a strategy in Syria? Cool. Can you thumbnail me on it?
  3. Seriously, the only Pence I know is that player from the Giants who looks like Ginger Baker.
  4. Honey, it don't make no difference to me, baby
    Everybody's had to fight to be free
    You see, you don't have to live like a refugee . . .
    OK, just the women! Don't have to live like a refugee
  5. Will you look at the time? Somebody get Paul Begala a phone book to sit on!

20. What’s a better phrase to use on air instead of “locker room talk?”

  1. Locker room whimsy
  2. Locker room musings
  3. Inadmissible evidence, move to strike
  4. No hablo ingles

21. How do you respond when some gutless TV haircut asks you to defend the line “Hillary Clinton should be in jail?”

  1. “That’s your opinion. Who am I to disagree with you?”
  2. “I don’t know about you, but I heard ‘Yale.’”
  3. “I bet whoever said that has no problem getting women.”
  4. “Your sister.”

Bill Scheft

Bill Scheft is the author of four novels. He wrote for David Letterman from 1991-2015.

MORE FROM Bill Scheft

Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Comedy Donald Trump Elections 2016 Satire