What if we could just construct our own realities in every aspect of our lives, from our brainpower and physical attributes to artistic talent and facial features? Wouldn’t it be great? Well, let me tell you a little bit about me.
So my name is D. Watkins and I don’t lose. I was born potty trained, never failed a test in school, never missed an exit on the beltway or and have never been rejected by a woman that I wanted to date. (I really wish Beyoncé would stop texting me.) I have succeeded at anything and everything I have tried to accomplish in life and will continue to do so.
Most say I’m a little more handsome than a young Denzel Washington. My farts smell like fresh baked organic blueberry muffins. My IQ is 1460. I’m 8 feet tall, I weigh 270 lbs. and I can bench press 50,000 — at least 50 times in a row. I have roughly less than .04 percent body fat and have a rippled 20-pack of abs serrating my 200-inch chest pecs and size 20 waist. My credit score is 10,000 and I’m the only person in the world special enough to get Chick-fil-A on a Sunday.
These are "alternative facts," the termed coined by Donald Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway on "Meet The Press," in reference to reports of Trump’s poorly-attended inauguration. "Alternative facts," like the list I mentioned above, are lies, and we should be calling them lies. Lies are dangerous, as most adults should know; however, Trump, Conway, Sean Spicer and the rest of Trump's silly administration are trying to normalize them. This needs to stop. So today, we are dedicating the Salon 5 to Kellyanne Conway and the danger of so-called "alternative facts."