50 shades of regret: A cautionary tale about online dating and the movies

The first "Fifty Shades" movie inspired me to make asinine dating choices. I fear "Fifty Shades Darker"

By Corina Zappia
Published February 20, 2017 12:30AM (EST)
 (Getty/Universal Pictures/Salon)
(Getty/Universal Pictures/Salon)

I’ve never been good at sexy talk. First of all, the phrase is awful: "sexy talk." It’s like "dental dam": words that make me hope my vagina freezes over till I’m 80. Nor can I see myself rocking someone’s world with our modern-day equivalent, the online-dating sext. Something gets lost in that exchange, or maybe it was never there to begin with. Like conjuring up Kelly Le Brock in "Weird Science" with a few commands on your 1983 desktop computer, today you can wish something — or someone — into being with a few swipes and taps. I’m not opposed to anonymity, but I want to know that's not an ex-con with a diaper genie fetish on the other end of the line, texting me from his mom’s basement.

I’ve been burned before.

Two years ago, I received a message on OK Cupid from a gorgeous portfolio manager in his 30s named Simon. His message was short and to the point: “You are stunning. I would let you do unspeakable things on my face. I’m sorry fo...

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Corina Zappia

Corina Zappia’s writing has appeared in The Rumpus, The Stranger, Serious Eats, The Awl, Nerve, and the Village Voice, where she is a former staff writer. You can find her at corinazappia.com.

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