Ask Donald Trump anything: "Doesn’t freedom of speech extend to perjury?"

The Donald Trump Mailbag returns with the president's answers to questions even the fake news won't print

Bill Scheft
March 5, 2017 11:00PM (UTC)

(Editor’s Note: President Trump has agreed to periodically answer fabricated fawning letters from his supporters. Salon will publish the letters and his answers completely unaltered, a decision which seemed like a good idea at the time.)

Can you settle a bet? A guy I work with, Teddy, says Kanye West is related to Adam West, who played Batman. — Teddy B., Tempe


I see what you did. You don’t think I see what you did. Who put you up to this, Lew Rudin? I know he’s dead, but this has his horn and tail prints all over it. I shouldn’t answer this, but I will because this is the kind of thing people think I won’t answer. And by people, I mean those people I don’t pay attention to.

But here it is. Something terrible happens. Anything. Think of the most terrible thing that can happen. Okay, so that happens. You shine a light in the sky, and the animal who did the terrible thing is taken care of in a half-hour. Two half-hours, tops. And then you switch over to "The Beverly Hillbillies." Pretty good system. Think about it.

Are you ever wrong? I’m telling you, it’s uncanny. — Jeffrey L., Not Harrisburg, PA

Whoa. This is going to be a little tough to ’fess up to, but I will because the story has a happy ending. Last weekend, I’m playing with, well, we’ll call him a businessman. He was more of a slob. Around the third green, I notice he’s looking at the hole when he putts. I say, “What’s with looking at the hole when you putt?” He says, “Jordan Speith does it.” And I want to say, “Well, why don’t you two move to Frisco and get a room?” but instead, because without restraint we’re no better than the Swedes, instead I say, “I know that. You don’t think I know that? Look at the ball, like the rest of us.” Then, this clown says, “Does a basketball player stare at the floor when he takes a foul shot? No. He stares at the basket.” And, for a second, no, not even that, I didn’t have an answer for him. And then I realized, I don’t have to have an answer for him. But he may need some answers next week when the DEA kicks in his door and finds 6,500 Mexican Xanax in his crisper.

Doesn’t freedom of speech extend to perjury?  — Pat F., Ames, Iowa

And I’m not talking about the yellow Mexican Xanax. I’m talking those light blue babies. Aqua. Comprende?

I was on WebMD the other day and it said bananas were good for both diarrhea and constipation. How can that be? — Trudy I., Boca Raton


First of all, excuse me, that’s disgusting. Second of all, that’s a question for a scientist. And you know how I feel about scientists: If they knew anything, they wouldn’t be scientists. Third, even though that’s disgusting, and it is, I’m going to answer it and say this is the first I’ve heard of it and it seems like the kind of thing we should be looking into. It’s wrong. It sounds like a racket. I’d say it doesn’t pass the smell test, but then the ACLU claims mill would take down a thousand trees because, well, why should I explain it to you? Meanwhile, excuse me, I cannot believe I’m just finding out about this. Here’s what I know about bananas. When they get old, they turn brown. I’m sure there’s an explanation for this, but it would come from a scientist, so it’s not really an explanation. It’s a racket. So, let me tell you about something else that turns brown without an explanation. David Remnick’s hair. Have you seen this guy? He runs the New Yorker. I call him the Mayor of Faketown. I don’t, I’m just testing that. But this guy. He’s an expert on Israel, Russia, boxing and women’s plastic handbags from the 1950s. And by expert, I mean he’s a scientist. No, wait. The expert on women’s plastic handbags was Gottlieb. Another one. Anyway, I saw this guy, Remnick, on a show I refuse to watch. He’s my age. And his hair is brown like a Clark bar. I know I’m supposed to answer questions here, but here’s my question: Where is the investigation on that?

Why isn’t there a universal codified system for rating women? — Chet G., Encino

Wait, what?

I’m looking forward to golfing at Trump Ferry Point in the Bronx. I had to wait three months for a tee time. Someone told me it was the most magnificent golf course in the world. I’ll be coming over from my apartment on West 121st Street. The best way is to take the M100 and then transfer to the BxM9, right? — George L, NYC

George, and I like the name George, I know you mean well, but there is so much wrong with this letter. So much wrong. I’ll just go in order, because everyone tells me how orderly I am. First, it’s not “golfing,” it’s playing golf. You know who says “golfing?” People who can’t play golf. Second, the “someone” who told you it was the most magnificent golf course in the world? That was me. And since we’ve never met, that’s a lie. Don’t act like you know me. It makes you look small. Fourth, you cannot take the M100 or BxM9 because I had them scrapped when I took over the Air Force or the Navy. Eighth, everyone knows where 121st Street is, so don’t put lipstick on it and say you live in “NYC.” Sixteenth, I just checked and they have no tee time for you. So, I saved you a trip. You’re welcome, America.

Bill Scheft

Bill Scheft was a staff writer for David Letterman from 1991-2015. His fourth novel, "Shrink Thyself," was published in 2014.

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