Make war great again! Die-hard Trump fans, have I got a plan for you

Hold onto your torches, my fellow Americans! Here's my totally supportive plan for helping you help your president

By D. Watkins

Editor at Large

Published August 23, 2017 6:58PM (EDT)

 (Getty/Jim Watson)
(Getty/Jim Watson)

During the 2016 election, I was against Donald Trump — disgusted, even, and totally put off and confused by his silly Make America Great Again campaign. But recently I took a hard look at myself and said, “D! Stop being so judgmental. Donald Trump is an American, just like you, so you should be helping him instead of taking shots at his foolish policies, laughing at the horrible job he is doing, and exposing his trash agenda.” That helps no one, and continues to further the divide that already exists.

But I still can’t believe the guy from "The Apprentice" has nuclear codes. I imagine the possibilities for danger that Trump's actions can put us in. I guess it’s not a big deal for him because he can trash talk on Twitter at other countries while hiding out at Camp David or something, but the rest of us remain in the line of fire. Last week, my friends and I pondered the North Korea situation. We wondered if we were going to wake up to nukes at some point, if we wake up at all, or learn that our country has nuked them. The idea of war is scary, especially if you know what real pain feels like. My friends and I have — we've recovered from stabbings, gunshot wounds; some of us are paralyzed.

So yeah, I don’t want the U.S. talking trash to Kim Jong-un or vice versa, because the only thing that can come from it in the end is insurmountable pain that no one deserves. But just as our anxiety over North Korea  eased, Trump switched the conversation to Afghanistan and, by extension, Pakistan, which also has nuclear weapons.

“We will not talk about numbers of troops or our plans for further military activities. Conditions on the ground, not arbitrary timetables, will guide our strategy from now on,” Trump said in a statement Monday evening. “America's enemies must never know our plans, or believe they can wait us out. I will not say when we are going to attack, but attack we will.”

Now I feel like he’s on a mission to fight with every country in possession of nuclear weapons. Does he want to use a nuke that badly? At this point I wouldn’t be "joked" about using one on the latest "dishonest media" outlet he's feuding with. But like I said, I’m not here to judge to criticize Trump. I'm here to help — and I do have a plan to make America great again.

Trump received a reported 62,979,879 votes in the 2016 election, and I’m sure many of his voters were mixed into the Tiki torch moron rally in Charlottesville last week. Let's divide those loyal Trump supporters up into groups, train them and then send them off to war. Apparently, they aren’t feeling people of color, they swear by Trump's ideology, and they have the energy to unite in the name of hate. Let’s arm them, clothe them in fatigues and send them off to fight in Afghanistan, or wherever else Trump sends troops next.

Why stop at making America great, when you can make the world great again?! I challenge all of the real white supremacists to go ahead and enlist today! Stop wasting time on statue protests and let's do some real work! You don't even have to wait for Donald’s orders — head to North Korea or Pakistan today, and I’ll meet you at the airport and give you a crisp high five as you board your flights. My fellow Americans, I support you.

By D. Watkins

D. Watkins is an Editor at Large for Salon. He is also a professor at the University of Baltimore and founder of the BMORE Writers Project. Watkins is the author of the New York Times best-selling memoirs “The Beast Side: Living  (and Dying) While Black in America” and "The Cook Up: A Crack Rock Memoir," as well as "We Speak For Ourselves: How Woke Culture Prohibits Progress." His new book, "Black Boy Smile: A Memoir in Moments," is out now.

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Afghanistan Donald Trump North Korea Nuclear War Satire Video War