You might not be able to tell that Kellyanne Conway has this incredible ability just by looking at her. At first glance you might think someone tried to Weird Science an alt-right website into the body of a perfectly ripe banana, but you’d be wrong. Kellyanne Conway is the first woman to run a winning presidential campaign in the history of this country, and it is all thanks to how deft of a spin artist she is. And the electoral college. And Russia.
According to legend, Kellyanne was trained in the delicate art of spin since birth, and I believe it. Why else would she have a weird fake name that’s a combination of two first names? That’s level-10 spin right there. How are you supposed to call someone on their bullshit if even their name is trying to pull a fast one on you? I honestly thought her name was Kelly (space) Anne Conway the first thirty times I Googled her. That’s true! If you don’t believe me, you can see for yourself by purchasing my internet search history.
(Which, by the way, is legal now. Purchasing someone’s internet search history is now totally legal, and it’s all thanks to our current president and Republican Congress. Be sure to write them a letter thanking them for that after you finish reading this book.)
Ms. Conway has been crushing the game for over two decades, but, thanks to the biased mainstream media, most of us only know about her recent work. She’s got a solid double LP of greatest hits, though, and they’re all chart toppers.
Kellyanne used to have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other to help her make decisions, but she’s so good at spin that after about a week she got them both to kill themselves.
Kellyanne once got pulled over for speeding, but instead of giving her a ticket she convinced the cop to frame himself for murder. He’s still in jail to this day.
Ever hear the expression “they could sell ice to an eskimo”? Well, so did Kellyanne. She’s been selling ice to eskimos for the past thirty-five years, and that’s the real reason why we have global warming.
In my book "The Kellyanne Conway Technique," we’ll be looking at some of Kellyanne’s greatest techniques and deconstructing how and why they work. And if you’re thinking “Hey, if I wanted to read a bunch of great things Ms. Conway said I would either go online or just die and go to heaven where I assume she is playing on a loop 24/7,” well don’t worry! We will also give examples of how you can then utilize those same techniques and solve the problems you might face in your daily life.
Late for work? Cheating on your wife? Colluding with Russia? Don’t worry: The Kellyanne Conway Technique is here to help you crowbar yourself out of those tight spots.
In order to bring you this epic testament to our honorable master spinster, I have devoted the last year of my life to breaking down and analyzing every word that has come out of Kellyanne Conway’s mouth and it has been the single greatest pleasure of my young life.
I’ve heard that some people have trouble watching Kellyanne Conway speak for even one minute, they say it fills them with an incurable rage that makes it hard to sleep at night, but not me. Some people, when given the opportunity to sift through hours and hours of her interviews, say they would rather eat a flaming bag of angry bees, but not me.
Some people (if you can believe it), tasked with combing through her unique brand of indecipherable nonsense, might find themselves drinking glass after glass of wine before graduating to something harder like vodka or scotch just so they can muster the strength to press play on yet another video of a very nice looking scarecrow saying literally anything she wants without fear of repercussion or rebuke, but not me. For me it was an honor and a privilege, and the uptick in my daily alcohol intake was a coincidence.
And who am I? My name is Jarret Berenstein, and in addition to being a comedian with several successful Youtube videos, I also have a master’s degree in debate and communications from Harnard, which is a credential and school that I made up so that it look like it says “Harvard” if you read it real fast.
That’s spin, baby, and it’s the only qualification I need. That ANY of us need, really. I say this with 100 percent sincerity: if I had cancer and had to choose between a surgeon who went to medical school, or someone who successfully lied their way to the operating table, I’d go with the latter every time. What’s a real doctor gonna do, truth my tumor away? Moreover, studies show that surgeons with fake degrees from dubious colleges actually save 68 percent more patients than those with real degrees from Ivy League schools because of confidence.1
That’s a fake statistic, but it sounds true, and according to Kellyanne Conway, that is literally as real as anything needs to be. Welcome to spin class.
Deny and Distract
To master the Kellyanne Conway Technique you first need to understand Kellyanne Conway’s biggest problem: people keep asking her questions that, if she answered honestly, would make her look bad or get her fired. Questions like, “Why does the president keep blatantly lying?” and “Do you think it’s appropriate for Trump to put the n-word in his executive orders?” Yuck! Thanks for the softballs, MSNBC. Buy me a drink first.
For the life of me I cannot figure out what they’re hoping will happen with these questions. It reminds me of how the TSA will ask people if they’re terrorists, as though that would trip them up. Does Charlie Rose think Kellyanne Conway is just one question away from breaking down? Does he really believe that all he needs to do is rephrase the question and he’ll have her shouting, “Yes! He’s an idiot! He’s a corrupt monster! He’s a Russian puppet who is weeks away from being thrown in jail! One time I hit a drifter with my car and I just kept on going!” If you’re reading this, Charlie Rose, the answer is no, so deal with it! Go listen to NPR or whatever.
But this is the fulcrum by which we can pivot the Kellyanne Conway Technique to our lives. You don’t have to be a mouthpiece for the worst president in history to take advantage of the following tips and tricks; you just have to be the type of person who sometimes needs to add a little extra flavor to the truth sauce. That’s something we can all relate to: questions that we can’t or don’t want to answer honestly because the facts would make us look bad. Like, really, really bad. Like, treason bad. Like the only white prisoner in Gitmo bad.
So what do you do when you’re faced with an uncomfortable question that you can’t or shouldn’t answer? Deny, then distract.
That is the crux of the Kellyanne Conway method. Deny and distract. Distract and deny. It’s the “I don’t know what you’re talking about HEY WHAT’S THAT BEHIND YOU!” of political strategies. It works for Kellyanne Conway, it works for Bugs Bunny, and by god, it’ll work for you too. The next time you watch Ms. Conway working her magic on all the morning talk shows, keep in mind that all she’s doing is the DC version of:
I’ve never even met that woman before, and what were you doing going through my phone?
Officer, I thought I was under the speed limit, but you have beautiful eyes.
Why would I steal office supplies when Steve is the one who snorts coke in the break room?
That’s all she does, in a nutshell.
Admittedly, to be a master of spin you’ll need to familiarize yourself with the many nuances of Deny-and-Distract; shaking your head and dropping a smoke bomb can only work so many times. You’re also not limited to simply denying then distracting; you can engage in any of the many variations: two denials then a distract, seven distracts and a quick shotgun deny, a distract-deny-distract sandwich, the possibilities are endless.
There are finer points involved in all these maneuvers, but if you ever get lost, just remember that it all boils down to, “I paid you back yesterday, right after Seattle scored that TD against the Pats, how sick was that?!”