Stephen Colbert; Donald Trump (Getty/Frederick M. Brown/AP/Evan Vucci)

Stephen Colbert makes a golden joke after James Comey admits the "pee tape" could exist

Not everyone's lucky enough to be in a marriage with a "100 percent no hooker-pee-pee guarantee," Colbert deadpans


Shira Tarlo
April 13, 2018 5:32PM (UTC)

Stephen Colbert made a golden joke Thursday night as he briefed his "Late Show" audience on the new developments surrounding the so-called "pee tape" that allegedly features the president of the United States and prostitutes in a Moscow hotel room.

In his upcoming new memoir, "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership," former FBI Director James Comey recalls a salacious conversation he allegedly had with President Donald Trump about the then-unreleased Steele dossier – a report compiled by former British spy Christopher Steele, which claims that the Russian government has compromising information on Trump.

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Comey alleges that the president asked him to look into the dossier's accusations that he had allegedly paid Russian prostitutes to urinate on a bed once used by the Obamas in 2007. Although Trump claimed that the tape did not exist, Comey writes that the president still wanted the FBI to investigate the allegations in order to reassure his wife, first lady Melania Trump.

In other words, Trump wanted to stop the leak.

"According to Comey, he brought up what he called the golden showers thing, adding that it bothered him if there was even a one percent chance his wife Melania thought it was true," Colbert explained. "Yes, it would bother him, because she'd be off by 99 percent."

"In the book, Comey wonders why Trump would need to give his wife that kind of reassurance, claiming there's zero chance Comey's own wife would believe such a claim," the late-night host continued.

That question prompted Colbert to take a serious jab at the kind of strings that come along with some marriages.

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"Oh, come on! Sanctimonious much, James Comey?" Colbert joked. "Not everyone's lucky enough to be in one of those rare fairytale marriages with a 100 percent no hooker-pee-pee guarantee."

Friday on Good Morning America, in his first interview since Trump fired him from his job at the FBI, Comey admitted that the "golden showers" tape could actually exist.

"I honestly never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but I don’t know whether the current president of the United States was with prostitutes peeing on each other in Moscow in 2013,” the former FBI director said in one of the most stunning sentences ever broadcast about a president on breakfast television. “It’s possible, but I don’t know.”

Later in the interview, Comey told ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos that he discussed the allegations with Trump on more than one occasion — experiences he described as “really weird."

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"It was almost an out-of-body experience for me," he continued. "I was floating above myself, looking down, saying, 'You're sitting here briefing the incoming president of the United States about prostitutes in Moscow.'”

Comey alleged that the president brought up the pee tape again during a private dinner on Jan. 27, 2017, claiming that "he may want me to investigate it to prove that it didn’t happen. And then he says something that distracted me, because he said, 'You know, if there’s even a one percent chance my wife thinks that’s true, that’s terrible.'"

The former FBI director continued, "And I remember thinking, 'How could your wife think there's a one percent chance you were with prostitutes peeing on each other in Moscow?' I'm a flawed human being, but there is literally zero chance that my wife would think that was true. So, what kind of marriage to what kind of man does your wife think [that] there's only a 99 percent chance you didn't do that?"

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Shira Tarlo

Contact Shira Tarlo at shira.tarlo@salon.com. Follow @shiratarlo.

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