Salon Home
Topic

Movies

Friday, Nov 5, 1999 5:00 PM UTC1999-11-05T17:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

“The Bachelor”

Chris O'Donnell and Renie Zellweger face off in a tale that sets love against lucre.

"The Bachelor"
Topics:

Mother always said that it’s just as easy to love a rich man as a poor one. But Mom lied. Most rich guys are old, unpleasant and butt ugly. Give the gold-diggers of the world a millionaire who isn’t a total beast, and they’ll get a little excited. Screaming, marauding, last-night-of-Woodstock excited, even.

What the would-be brides of “The Bachelor” — director Gary Sinyor’s remake of Buster Keaton’s classic “Seven Chances” — don’t know is that the blue-eyed guy on their most-wanted list actually is a beast. When we first meet the eligible, soon-to-be-stinking-rich Jimmie Shannon (“Batman & Robin’s” Chris O’Donnell), he has no idea that he’s really an uptight preppie. He envisions himself a wild mustang blazing through the open prairie. This, he explains in voice-over, is what men really are: magnificent, spirited creatures who yearn to run free.

But Jimmie’s fiercely protected equestrian status is dangerously compromised when he meets Anne (“One True Thing’s” Renie Zellweger), a Botticellian paragon of femininity with considerably more hair than personality. She’s the perfect girl for Jimmie, a fiesta of vanilla and Velveeta himself. But like all guys, he gets a bit squirmy at the mention of the F-word — future — and his commitment-phobic ways bungle him right out of Anne’s good graces.

The timing couldn’t be worse. Just after his break-up with Anne, Jimmie’s wealthy grandfather croaks, leaving him an estate valued at a cool $100 million. The only condition is that he marry before the stroke of 6:05 on his 30th birthday. Of course, said birthday is a mere 24 hours away. Isn’t that always the way with these sorts of things?

“The Bachelor,” despite its predictable love-or-lucre dilemma, is not without its moments and, when it surrenders to the absurd Keaton-esque spirit that inspires it, can actually be very near delightful. An early scene set at a romantic, notoriously proposal-centric restaurant, for instance, is a neatly absurd riff on the clichis of courtship.

Overnight, word gets out in the local press that Jimmie needs a quick bride, which creates a frenzy among hundreds of Bay Area females. Sure, a rabid mob of women hunting down a rare hetero multimillionaire beast is a stretch of a situation, even for a movie set in San Francisco. (And the caricatures among the mob — sassy black chick, halter-wearing biker babe — don’t say much about the writer’s imagination when it comes to women.) Nevertheless, when Jimmie’s marathon quest sets off a bridal wave of interest, the film transforms a sea of white-wearing women into a threatening mass of tulle and tiaras.

Even the caveman ideas about commitment in “The Bachelor” aren’t so awful. At one point, Jimmie compares the ritual of the bouquet toss to Shirley Jackson’s grim story about ritualistic human sacrifice, “The Lottery.” You’ve got to admit he has a point. But the film doesn’t rest on its ball-and-chain jokes. At its best, it skews the absurdity of any human relationships — even the successful ones. As terrified as Jimmie is of losing his freedom, Anne is equally worried about becoming like her parents — who, it turns out, are an older couple nauseatingly, demonstratively, still in love with each other.

The problem with “The Bachelor” is the bachelor himself. Chris O’Donnell has never been an electrifying actor, but here he’s so bland and unpersonable that it’s not hard to see why so many of his ex-girlfriends won’t marry him even for $100 million. He doesn’t have the comic finesse to make the film’s sensibility come alive, and he doesnt have the charisma to justify the tender love story. And he’s not believable as either the wild, skirt-chasing mustang or the devoted one-woman man he eventually becomes.

O’Donnell’s character is supposed to be torn, but he really appears permanently befuddled. When he has his great romantic epiphany, the poor guy looks remarkably like he’s just had the last lick of sense slapped out of him. He’s so uninteresting even his own movie gives up on him: His narration abruptly stops less than halfway through the story. And Renie Zellweger, yet again flouncing in and out of rooms and screwing up her face into little scrunchies of emotion, is rapidly wearing out any welcome that her sweetly vulnerable role in “Jerry Maguire” may have afforded her.

At least the film’s cameo players seem to be getting into the spirit of things. As Jimmie frantically revisits all his former loves in a desperate, Don-Juan-in-hell effort to find a wife, “The Bachelor” showcases a surprising and often unexpectedly funny side of its minor cast. Brooke Shields lends a flinty snap to her brittle heiress who’s fallen on hard times, Jennifer Esposito enjoys a perp-kicking spree as a cop clearly in love with her work and even Mariah Carey, in what may be the only five minutes of the last two years she’s allowed her navel to be covered, is pleasantly self-mocking as a hammy diva. And as the grumpy old men spurring Jimmie toward the altar, Peter Ustinov, Ed Asner and James Cromwell act as if they’re in a far better movie than they really are.

But too much of “The Bachelor” rests on the soft, narrow shoulders of its leads, and the movie always seems to be cracking under the strain. It may be too much to ask of a story that its heroes not merely fall in and out of love a few times but possess a nobility of soul that makes the whole $100 mil thing an issue for everyone but them. (For most of the film, Anne remains ignorant of Jimmie’s potential inheritance, while he guiltily goes along with his grandfather’s draconian demand in order to save the family business.) Maybe a little old-fashioned, all-American avarice would have livened the two up.

Whatever the excuse, though, “The Bachelor” doesn’t generate enough laughs or sighs to hold together, and the only thing more disappointing than a truly awful film is a merely weak one that has some really fun moments. It may be just as easy to love rich as it is to love poor, but it’s hard to love anything that’s just plain average.

Mary Elizabeth Williams

Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedubMore Mary Elizabeth Williams

Wednesday, Feb 15, 2012 12:45 PM UTC2012-02-15T12:45:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Oscar-nominated Oldman still feels Globe snub

The "Tinker Tailor" star tells Salon an Academy nod "feels right" after 26 years, but still came as a surprise

Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious, Count Dracula and George Smiley

Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious, Count Dracula and George Smiley

A woman in the audience gets up to ask Gary Oldman a question. He’s finally been nominated for an Academy Award, 26 years after his breakthrough performance in “Sid and Nancy,” she says, but it’s for the quietest and most subdued role of his entire career. He has played Beethoven and Dracula and Lee Harvey Oswald, as well as Sid Vicious; does he regret that “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” didn’t allow him to show more emotional range?

Continue Reading
Andrew O

  More Andrew O'Hehir

Friday, Feb 10, 2012 6:10 PM UTC2012-02-10T18:10:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

And the Oscar goes to … “Twilight”!

What if the Academy honored movies that people really liked? The "Twilight" vs. "Melancholia" showdown, at last

And the oscar goes to

I’m here to make a modest proposal. What if the Oscars — an imaginary Oscars, a thought-experiment Oscars, the Oscars of an alternate universe — honored movies that people actually liked?

No, I know, I know — they sometimes do, pretty much on the stopped-clock-occasionally-correct principle. And somebody must like each of this year’s best-picture nominees, with the possible exception of the universally allergenic “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.” (I appreciated one reader’s recent comment that the hidden virtue of that film lay in combining the annual quota of schmaltzy Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock vehicles into one compact package.) After all, the whole reason why “The Artist” appears to be the front-runner is because it’s charming and unpretentious and nearly impossible to dislike — although I don’t happen to think it’s all that great — whereas the other nominees do not share that quality.

Continue Reading
Andrew O

  More Andrew O'Hehir

Friday, Feb 10, 2012 1:00 AM UTC2012-02-10T01:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Pick of the week: A spectacular Cuban-jazz love story

Pick of the week: Surprise Oscar nominee "Chico & Rita" is a smoldering animated romance, with killer music

A still from "Chico & Rita"

A still from "Chico & Rita"

A dazzling and delightful work of modernist animation, a classic movie romance and a hip-swinging, finger-popping tale of musical revolution, “Chico & Rita” is the first big serendipitous surprise of 2012. Like a lot of other people, I saw this title on the list of Oscar-nominated animated features and gave a baffled shrug. I’d barely heard of it: A movie about Cuban jazz, co-directed by Fernando Trueba, a Spanish filmmaker who won a foreign-language Oscar in 1993 for “Belle Époque,” the erotic roundelay that helped bring Penélope Cruz to international stardom. It sounded, you know, somewhat interesting, a niche film, perhaps a bit educational and spinachy.

Continue Reading
Andrew O

  More Andrew O'Hehir

Thursday, Feb 9, 2012 1:00 AM UTC2012-02-09T01:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Woody Harrelson’s Oscar-worthy moment

The underrated star is mesmerizing as a sleazeball '90s cop in Oren Moverman's claustrophobic "Rampart"

Woody Harrelson in "Rampart"

Woody Harrelson in "Rampart"

There are all kinds of reasons, good and bad, why Woody Harrelson doesn’t usually play leading roles: He’s not handsome in exactly the right way (although I’m confident lots of people find him sexy), he’s associated with comedies and action flicks rather than romance or drama, he’s losing his hair, he doesn’t seem quite the right age and never did. (For the record, Harrelson is exactly the same age as George Clooney and a year older than Tom Cruise.) Another problem is that this big, loping, vulpine guy with the enormous head and the electric-blue eyes sometimes seems as if he’s going to swallow the movie whole, which is what happens in Oren Moverman’s intriguing indie cop drama, “Rampart.” This movie’s too small and too dark to have gotten Harrelson into the overcrowded best-actor race, but it’s without question one of the year’s great performances.

Continue Reading
Andrew O

  More Andrew O'Hehir

Wednesday, Feb 8, 2012 1:00 AM UTC2012-02-08T01:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Oscar 2012: Chicken soup for the Hollywood soul

In 2012, an industry in crisis will honor a bunch of movies about depressed people. What does it say about us?

Clockwise from upper left: Asa Butterfield in "Hugo," George Clooney in "The Descendants," Thomas Horn in "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and Brad Pitt in "The Tree of Life"

Clockwise from upper left: Asa Butterfield in "Hugo," George Clooney in "The Descendants," Thomas Horn in "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and Brad Pitt in "The Tree of Life"

It’s beyond redundant to say that the Academy Awards are Hollywood’s way of making itself feel better. Self-congratulation is the foundational axiom of the whole enterprise, which for many years amounted to a version of American triumphalism. We had the most powerful nation in the world and the dominant manufacturing economy, and nothing symbolized the global hegemony of American culture and values like the worldwide popularity of America’s dream factory.

If in those days the Oscar campaign was a question of burnishing the imperial brass, this year it’s something quite different. These are the Oscars of wounded dads and autistic kids, of orphans in love with old movies and lonely guys struggling to break free of nostalgia. When you look at this year’s nominated films, it’s not like there’a a tenuous theme that halfway threads them together. There’s more like a torrent of male grief, sadness and loss that pretty well drowns you. These are the maudlin Oscars, “boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”; the Therapy Oscars, the Oscars of Healing, the Oscars of Chicken Soup for the Hollywood Soul. I’m just not sure the therapy is likely to meet the patient’s needs.

Continue Reading
Andrew O

  More Andrew O'Hehir

Page 1 of 695 in Movies

Other News