Football
Partial score: George Carlin, 71
The comedian, who died Sunday, talked about sports rarely, but he was funny and insightful when he did.
George Carlin, who died Sunday at 71, was one of the best sports humorists around.
It was less than a sideline, almost an afterthought, for a comedian far more famous for bringing stand-up comedy into the hippie era, for the hard-edged social commentary of his later years and for the “Seven Dirty Words” routine that brought his act to the chambers of the Supreme Court.
But when he had something to say about sports it was funny and, sometimes, like the rest of his humor, it could make you think while you were laughing.
Sometimes it was just silly wordplay. He’d do characters in the ’60s and ’70s, when he was a frequent guest on network variety and talk shows. Al Sleet, the Hippie-Dippie Weatherman, was the most memorable, but he also did a sportscaster who’d say, “Here’s a partial score: Notre Dame 6.”
The kids are scratching their heads. They don’t do this anymore — maybe because of Carlin’s joke — but broadcasters sometimes used to refer to scores from in-progress games as “partial scores.” I think it was a wire-service term.
Carlin dismissed hype about the undisputed heavyweight championship: “If it’s undisputed, what’s all the fighting about?”
He had a routine in which he said that there really are only three sports: baseball, basketball and football, and he gave reasons for why various other sports are really games or activities. Hockey? That’s three separate activities: Ice-skating, chasing a puck around and beating people up.
Swimming? “Swimming is a way to keep from drowning?” Sailing? That’s transportation. “Riding a bus isn’t a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a sport?” Running? “For Christ sake, my mother can run. You don’t see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?” Gymnastics? Forget it: “Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.”
Carlin’s most famous sports routine was a comparison of baseball and football. “In football you wear a helmet,” he said. “In baseball you wear a cap.” And so on. “In football you receive a penalty. In baseball you make an error … Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness. Baseball has the sacrifice.”
Silly stuff, a lot of it based on language — that strain in Carlin’s humor was cited in the announcement last week that he’d won the Kennedy Center’s Mark Twain Prize. But, as with much of Carlin’s humor, there was keen observation behind the silliness and linguistic nitpicking.
“Baseball and football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country,” he said. “It seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.”
They surely do. Thomas Boswell plowed the same field in his classic 1987 piece “Why Is Baseball So Much Better Than Football?” Carlin didn’t explicitly take sides the way Boswell did, and he was funnier.
He also may have summed up the contrast better than anyone ever has:
“In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line.
“In baseball the object is to go home!”
King Kaufman is a senior writer for Salon. You can e-mail him at king at salon dot com. Facebook / Twitter / Tumblr More King Kaufman.
Can Tebow find salvation?
Updated: After losing his job in Denver, evangelicals' favorite jock faces an uncertain future in New York.
Tim Tebow (Credit: Reuters/Rick WIlking) [UPDATED BELOW]
You don’t need to be an evangelical Christian to care about the future of Tim Tebow. I’m a lapsed atheist myself. But with the resurrection of quarterback Peyton Manning in Denver, I wonder most about the future of the spiritual scrambler, who led the Broncos to the playoffs last year.
The Broncos signing Manning to replace Tebow is a no-brainer. He may be diminished by age and injury, but he is also the best quarterback of our time, not because he is a brilliant coach’s puppet (Tom Brady) or an on-field, off-field brute (Ben Roethlisberger) but by virtue of a fierce work ethic and a concentrated intelligence that is contagious and inspirational. Whatever is left at age 35 of him will make the Broncos better.
Continue Reading CloseRobert Lipsyte is a former New York Times sports columnist. His new memoir, "An Accidental Sportswriter," has just been published. More Robert Lipsyte.
The Super Bowl is not a job creator
Despite what civic boosters say, hosting the big game provides few long-term benefits
(Credit: AP/Michael Conroy) Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League, argued on “60 Minutes” last Sunday that the NFL is one professional organization designed to appeal to the economic interests of the little guy: Its revenue-sharing model, he said, gives a fighting chance to squads from Green Bay and Buffalo as well as to those from large media markets like New York, Los Angeles and Boston.
On the eve of the Super Bowl, Goodell was touting the familiar idea that the sport’s biggest game is a boon to economic development. But with the cost of a ticket now averaging $3,982 and 30-second television spots selling for $3.5 million, the Super Bowl can appear to be more an occasion for ostentatious excess than an engine of development.
Continue Reading CloseAlexander Heffner is a freelance journalist whose writing has appeared in the New York Times, Washington Post, and Boston Globe. More Alexander Heffner.
Political lessons from this year’s Super Bowl
From jobs to health care, football's big game illustrates the factors that will dominate the 2012 election
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (Credit: AP Photo/Elise Amendola) Most Americans won’t need a justification to watch Sunday’s game, but if you’re a Salon reader you might think, even in passing, that celebrating the holiest day of violence, consumerism and class warfare on your couch is a betrayal of your values or a waste of your time. You might even imagine that it would be better to take a hike, read a book or meditate.
Not this Sunday, buster. It’s an election season. You need to watch this game to fully understand how jobs, religion, leadership and healthcare dominate every American contest.
Continue Reading CloseRobert Lipsyte is a former New York Times sports columnist. His new memoir, "An Accidental Sportswriter," has just been published. More Robert Lipsyte.
Enjoy the game? For the true fan, it’s all about agony
The New York Giants are in the Super Bowl. But for one obsessive, the question is what time to take the Ativan
Ohio State football fans (Credit: AP) “The truth is,” Nick Hornby wrote in “Fever Pitch,” his book about his obsession with Arsenal and British football, “for alarmingly large chunks of an average day, I am a moron.”
That’s a wonderful sentence by one of my favorite writers, but if Hornby is only a moron for only large chunks of the average day, he is doing a lot better than I am. I can honestly report that for the last few months I have been an absolute idiot for all but very small portions of the day.
Continue Reading CloseTed Heller's latest novel, "Pocket Kings," will be published in March. He is also the author of the novels "Slab Rat" and "Funnymen." More Ted Heller.
Small blunders kill Super Bowl dreams
For fans of the 49ers and Ravens, the road to the big game is paved with pain
Kyle Williams loses it Just when it looked like the NFC and AFC championship games were going to last until the Super Bowl, two fatal blunders brought them to an abrupt close. The stunning conclusions to two of the most tense, evenly matched conference championship games in recent memory were a painful reminder that although football is a team game, one miscue by a single player can wipe out thousands of hours of collective blood, sweat and tears.
It will be a sad and lonely night for Baltimore Ravens’ kicker Billy Cundiff, whose shanked chip-shot 32-yarder gave the AFC championship to the New England Patriots. Kickers must have strong mental constitutions: in a sport where bonds between teammates are cemented in blood and pain, they are not always regarded as full-fledged comrades to begin with, and so when they screw up, it’s even harder for them to deal with. The mantra “short memory,” which defensive backs are constantly shouting at each other, applies in spades to kickers. Cundiff could use a tall glass of Milk of Amnesia.
Continue Reading CloseGary Kamiya is a Salon contributing writer. More Gary Kamiya.
Page 1 of 52 in Football