The secrets of “vajazzling”

Lady parts: now with more sparkle

Topics: Sex, Broadsheet,

The secrets of "vajazzling"

The ladybits have seen hot pink pubic dyes and dollar sign stencils. They’ve encountered jewelry of the pierced and clip-on variety. They’ve been available in different flavors.  They’ve even recently become aware of labia tinters.  But this week they really sat up and took notice when actress Jennifer Love Hewitt announced on “The George Lopez Show” that she has pimped out her yoni with Swarovski crystals. Or, as she put it, “It’s called vajazzling.” Of such great import was the news of the Ghost Whisperer’s crotch bling that Broadsheet actually received a press release from the Lopez camp about it. I shit you not, America.

Discussing her new memoir “The Day I Shot Cupid,” debut author Hewitt said that after a painful breakup, “A friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady and it shined like a disco ball,” adding the imperative that “women should vajazzle their vajayjays.” It was at this point that Lopez leapt from his chair to kiss the fair maiden’s hand, and I went to check my iCal to see if the first day of April had arrived early. Perhaps that’s because when I hear the word “crystal” I begin rather naively picturing a wedding gift-sized swan rising like the sun from Ms. Love Hewitt’s Cosabella thong. A scenario that would no doubt inflict untold injury on her boyfriend Jamie Kennedy.

Instead, muffin studding is a considerably smaller scale affair, involving tinier gems. And it’s festive as hell. As the folks at Completely Bare explain, you can “decorate your own jewels” because “accessorizing your privates is the hottest rage.” (Anyone who associates the words “hot” and “rage” with their privates, please report immediately to anger management.) DIY types, of course, can probably just opt for a Schick and some temporary tattoos.



When you consider the seemingly endless ways a person can customize her holiest of holies, it’s a wonder Martha Stewart hasn’t yet done a whole segment on vajayjay projects. Consider the possibilities – a little ribbon, a shaker of glitter, and a Brother P-Touch label maker – you’re looking at hours of entertainment. But it seems unfair to limit all this whimsical embellishment to just one sex. So once I master learning to knit, I am totally making a sock monkey that fits a penis.

Mary Elizabeth Williams

Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub.

Featured Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • 1 of 11
  • Close
  • Fullscreen
  • Thumbnails
    Burger King Japan

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.

    Elite Daily/Twitter

    2014's fast food atrocities

    McDonald's Black Burger: Because the laws of competition say that once Burger King introduces a black cheeseburger, it's only a matter of time before McDonald's follows suit. You still don't have to eat it.

    Domino's

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.

    Arby's/Facebook

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Arby's Meat Mountain: The viral off-menu product containing eight different types of meat that, on second read, was probably engineered by Arby's all along. Horrific, regardless.

    KFC

    2014's fast food atrocities

    KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.

    Taco Bell

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.

    Michele Parente/Twitter

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.

    Taco Bell

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.

    Pizzagamechangers.com

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Boston Pizza's Pizza Cake: The people's choice winner of a Canadian pizza chain's contest whose real aim, we'd imagine, is to prove that there's no such thing as "too far." Currently in development.

    7-Eleven

    2014's fast food atrocities

    7-Eleven's Doritos Loaded: "For something decadent and artificial by design," wrote one impassioned reviewer, "it only tasted of the latter."

  • Recent Slide Shows

Comments

0 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username ( settings | log out )

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>