2012 Elections
Herman Cain will veto bills longer than three pages, have alligators guard the border
Our favorite former pizza magnate and current Tea Party star has some really good suggestions for America
FILE - Former CEO of Godfather's Pizza Herman Cain is seen at the Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition, in this March 7, 2011 file photo taken at the Point of Grace Church in Waukee, Iowa. The 65-year-old Cain will try to see if he can use grass-roots enthusiasm to turn a long-shot presidential campaign into a realistic bid. He plans to announce his candidacy at a rally in Atlanta on Saturday May 21, 2011. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall, File)(Credit: AP) Herman Cain, the next president of the United States, had a brilliant idea the other day: He will only sign bills that are three pages long. If the bill is longer than three pages, Herman Cain will veto it, and your pizza is free.
CAIN: Engage the people. Don’t try to pass a 2,700 page bill — and even they didn’t read it! You and I didn’t have time to read it. We’re too busy trying to live — send our kids to school. That’s why I am only going to allow small bills — three pages. You’ll have time to read that one over the dinner table. What does Herman Cain, President Cain talking about in this particular bill?
Herman Cain will only allow small bills, because America needs to make change. Herman Cain’s America will not accept hundreds!
You’d think there’d be a happy medium between 2,700 and … three, but I’ve never been sure at what point exactly legislation becomes too long. A three-page limit does basically mean that there will be no passing of any meaningful legislation in a Herman Cain administration, but that is probably what they want! (But how will they pass the tax cuts?)
Though the limit wouldn’t totally keep the federal government from passing major bills. As Jason Linkins points out, one of the very few pieces of recent legislation that meets the three-pages-or-less standard is the original draft of the Troubled Asset Relief Program, also known as the bailouts that all the Tea Partyers hates.
Oh, also, Cain would like to build a “Great Wall of China”-style wall along our border with Mexico, and that is only the beginning of his immigration plan, which also involves the use of “electrical technology”:
Now, my fence might be part Great Wall and part electrical technology. . . . Put me in charge of the fence and it will be a twenty foot wall, barbed wire, electrified on the top. And on this side of the fence, I’d have that moat that President Obama talked about. And I would put those alligators in that moat!
Future Cain promises will include replacement wasteful government employees with robots like in the Jetsons and only appointing Supreme Court justices with easy to spell names. Herman Cain is the 2012 campaign’s TRUE idea man!
Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene More Alex Pareene.
Romney releases birth certificate
Trump goes on another birther rant, and Mitt misspells "America." Wednesday's top political stories
FILE - In this Feb. 2, 2012, file photo, Donald Trump greets Republican presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney during a news conference in Las Vegas. Romney is set to clinch the Republican nomination for president on Tuesday with a win in the Texas primary, a feat of endurance for a candidate who came up short four years ago and watched this year as voters flirted with a carousel of front-runners before eventually warming to him. (AP Photo/Julie Jacobson, File) (Credit: AP) - Mitt Romney may just win this thing: Surprising no one, the candidate officially captured the last of the 1,144 delegates he needs to secure the GOP nomination last night in Texas, despite months of punditry about the possibility that the race could go all the way to the GOP convention.
But maybe Romney shouldn’t even bother. As Reuters reports, astrologists foresee that Obama will be reelected. Still, it may not be easy: “The ingress of Saturn into Scorpio may trouble him,” one said. “It won’t cost him the election, but it may indicate difficulties in the first half of his second term.”
Continue Reading CloseAlex Seitz-Wald is Salon's political reporter. Email him at aseitz-wald@salon.com, and follow him on Twitter @aseitzwald. More Alex Seitz-Wald.
Florida purging voter rolls
Governor Rick Scott moves forward with a plan to disqualify thousands of mostly Hispanic and Democratic voters
Rick Scott (Credit: Reuters/Brendan McDermid) Hated Florida Governor Rick Scott has a great idea: A big, massive purge of the state’s voter roll right before a sure-to-be-close presidential election. The governor ordered his secretary of state to compile a list of registered voters who might not be citizens, based on an unreliable and out-of-date state motor vehicle administration database. The secretary of state made a list and then realized the list was not actually very useful or accurate. Then he resigned, and now Scott is just purging away.
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Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene More Alex Pareene.
Mitt Romney: Politics “like a sport”
What makes Mitt tick? The nominee says he likes politics because "I can't compete in competitive sports very well"
Republican presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney gestures as he leaves a campaign event in Hillsborough, New Hampshire May 18, 2012. (Credit: Reuters/Jessica Rinaldi) Mitt Romney may have unintentionally opened a window onto his somewhat obscured motivations for running for president in an interview with the Wall Street Journal’s Peggy Noonan today, explaining that he likes sports, but isn’t very good at them, so he does politics instead.
Asked about whether he likes “the game” of politics, the presumed GOP nominee replied, “I like competition, and I think the game [of politics] is like a sport for old guys. I mean, you know, I can’t compete in competitive sports very well, but I can compete in politics, and there’s the — what was the old ABC ‘Wide World of Sports’ slogan? ‘The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.’ The only difference is victory is still a thrill, but I don’t feel agony in loss.”
Continue Reading CloseAlex Seitz-Wald is Salon's political reporter. Email him at aseitz-wald@salon.com, and follow him on Twitter @aseitzwald. More Alex Seitz-Wald.
Trump insinuates self into Romney campaign
How a toxic attention-seeker (not Newt) will likely end up speaking at the RNC
Businessman and real estate developer Donald Trump (L) greets Mitt Romney after endorsing his candidacy for president at the Trump Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada February 2, 2012. (Credit: Reuters/Steve Marcus) So. Donald Trump again? Are we really doing this again? I guess we are!
There were stories, recently, in the usual places, about how Trump was being seriously considered for a major speech at the Republican Convention. I did not dwell on the story much, because I assumed that these rumors were a product of Donald Trump’s prodigious vanity and powerful imagination. Ha ha ha, sure, the Republicans will definitely want the stupid make-believe TV mogul who pretends to fire people for a living, at their big party.
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Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene More Alex Pareene.
“Battlefield Earth”: Romney vs. the Psychlos
The GOP's standard bearer calls L. Ron Hubbard's bizarro sci-fi epic his favorite novel. Is that cause for concern?
Republican presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney reads a book to children in Manchester(Credit: Brian Snyder / Reuters) There’s a scene near the end of “Battlefield Earth,” Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s 1982 science fiction epic, that may explain a bit of why Mitt Romney has said (most recently this week) that it’s his favorite novel.
Our hero, Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, has just finished taking down the Psychlo empire, which has ruled Earth for the past millennium and has dominated most of the known 16 universes for going on 300,000 years. Now Jonnie has to negotiate with the alien powers who are jockeying to fill the power vacuum left behind, and things aren’t looking so good for the human race.
Continue Reading CloseDaniel Oppenheimer's book "Turncoats: The Journey from Left to Right and How It’s Transformed America," a political and intellectual history of six prominent American intellectuals who journeyed from the left to the right of the political spectrum, will be published by Simon and Schuster More Daniel Oppenheimer.
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