I Like to Watch

Play the Blame Fame game! "Nashville" and "Gossip Girl" prove that the only thing tackier than fame is fortune. Plus: On "Top Chef," Anthony Bourdain uses words to hurt people.

By Heather Havrilesky

Read more: TV, Nashville, FOX, Arts & Entertainment, Heather Havrilesky, Bravo, I Like to Watch, CW

Sept. 16, 2007 | Everyone wants to be famous! It must be the blinding flash of the cameras, the shoving and mauling by obsessive fans, the stalking by random psychos that we long for. Or maybe it's the isolation, the inability to maintain normal friendships untainted by the limelight, and the second-guessing and self-doubt that we crave.

It must be so amazing, though, to feel confused and distrustful of everyone around you! Just think of how glamorous it would feel to toss and turn at night, wondering, "Does he really like me for me, or does he just want to go to cool parties and get his picture in magazines so his high school enemies will be jealous?"

Who wouldn't want to tango with fickle Hollywood, a monster that embraces you one minute and chucks you the next like yesterday's moldy cheese? Who wouldn't love to soak in all of that attention and praise, then fall from grace and be forever referred to as "desperate" or a "C-lister"? How cool would it be to hear people scream at you, "Watchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" or, "Hey, Tattoo! Where's de plane?" 20 years after the fact? And wouldn't we all love to be invited to perform in the midst of an alcoholic downward spiral, just so Sarah Silverman could rip us a new asshole afterward?

And that's not to mention the undeniable allure of agoraphobia, depression and the inevitable descent into addiction. It's impossible not to crave fame! Just think, everyone out there could love you for all of the wrong reasons, too! What could be better?

Country ham
Well, a hard shovel to the side of the head, for one thing. But sadly, most kids don't recognize that all of the disorienting headaches, dizzy spells and confusion of fame could be theirs, with just one well-aimed swat to the head.

But if you're one of the unfortunate nobodies, the kind of person who no one is stalking on Gawker right now, the sort of sad sack who picks their butt in public without anyone capturing it on their camera phone, well then, you'll be able to relate to the fame-seeking honeys and beefcakes of "Nashville" (9 p.m. EDT Fridays on Fox).

Yes, it seems that those wacky producers behind MTV's "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County" went sniffing around for a more genuine, authentic-seeming backdrop to suit another batch of young, pretty back-stabbers, and where did they land? Smack dab in the heart of the Volunteer State, Tennessee!

Too bad nobody's volunteering any original thoughts or insights on this country-fried stink bomb. Not surprisingly, young, pretty back-stabbers look and sound and act the same no matter where you find them. Once the producers select their pretty faces, then get all of their little love triangles twisting in the wind, you've got the same basic scenes you've seen on "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills" and every other reality soap in the book:

Step 1: Mediocre Player flirts with Hot Girl.

Step 2: Hot Girl decides that she's in love.

Step 3:Mediocre Player flirts with Other Hot Girl, ignores Hot Girl.

Step 4: Hot Girl hates Mediocre Player. They talk. She loves him again. He flirts with OHG again. She hates him. Etc.

Mix in crowd noise, angry outbursts, trumped-up confrontations, and insipid big-dream rhapsodizing and serve cold on a bed of bad country songs.

Next page: Wanna grow up to be a defamer!