what's wrong with the television industry today? There is sex everywhere. There is violence everywhere. There is sex and violence in commercials. There is sex and violence in the news. There is even an all-sex channel. What is wrong with the television industry today? I'll tell you what is wrong. Until today, there's been no all-violence channel.
But, today we stand on the verge of a new era. Introducing The Violence Channel (formerly "Michael Dickstein's Violence Show." channel 59, 1-2 a.m. Fridays). Violence available in every American home, every hour, every day.
No more listlessly pining for the fight to start in a hockey game. No more desperate channel surfing during the family hours. No more waiting for salmon eggs to hatch, before the Discovery Channel runs "Carrier-based Air Power." The Violence Channel.: All violence, all the time.
What will be the plot of the shows on TVC? We don't care. We aim to be the "Baywatch" of brutality. The Violence Channel.: All the violence, none of the plot.
Great idea, you say, but is there a market for it? Of course! TV violence expert Jan Hughes has pointed out that "statistics on crime in America confirm what we all know: We live in an increasingly violence-ridden society." In fact, Hughes says, between 1989 and 1993, the violent crime rate increased 51.1 percent. Incredible! It's a bonanza!
Hughes highlights that America "ranks first among nations in its rates of interpersonal violence." First! How often does an opportunity like this present itself? Furthermore, Hughes reminds us that by 1995 fully 98 percent of American homes had televisions. Could there be a bigger market for a TV channel focused on violence?
We at TVC are the only channel providing that market with 24 hours a day of game shows so savage you'd think they'd be outlawed, talk shows that aren't all talk and no action, and documentaries so upsetting you can't stop watching them. This year's lineup includes:
- "Children Who Kill": They are in most homes. They are part of your family. Many are cold-blooded killers. How can so much blood be on such tiny hands?
- "It Hurts? Say Uncle!": "Family Feud" meets Caligula! A game show for America's most dangerous families. In the pilot, the Manson family takes on the remaining Menendezes. "Look out, Lyle's reloading!"
- "Animals Who Kill": Man's best friend. Sometimes. Watch re-creations and footage of actual attacks. In the first episode, narcoleptic Allen Krans picks the wrong moment to fall asleep in front of his pet Yorkshire, Biddles.
- "Guns Don't Kill, People Do": International footage of barbaric murders in countries that have outlawed guns. Death by scimitar, stiletto, garrote, fountain pen and more. Includes a 15-minute segment in which convicted murderers discuss how easy it would be to kill with everyday objects found in the home.
- "Cute Animals Who Kill": Their eyes are like saucers. You treat them better than your family. And how do they repay you? Find out on "Cute animals who kill."
- "The Penn is Mightier Than the Sword": Host Sean Penn interviews Pulitzer Prize winners. Unless they get him mad. Talk has never been this violent.
- "The Bomb Show": Contestants compete to defuse homemade bombs. But they better do so before one of our panel of celebrity bomb-makers blows them up. Plans of all bombs will be available on our Web page, along with the Unabomber's manifesto, the Constitution and an essay on the intentions of the founding fathers.
- "Children Who Kill Cute Animals": They are too small to be taxidermists. They are too big to be ignored. Tomorrow they will be surgeons. Today they are "Children who kill cute animals."
- "Final Moments": Murders, maulings, war casualties, terrorist victims and freak medical disasters. You will see them all. Coroners narrate slow-motion video of the last seconds of hundreds of lives. For viewers more interested in the meaning of death than the meaning of life.
- "The Newly Dead Game": Psychics contact the restless spirits of recently killed contestants, who compete for the most grisly descriptions of their own deaths.
- "Lifestyles of the Sociopathic": Reminiscences, from home, of those found "Not guilty by reason of insanity."
- "Red, White and Blue": Are white-collar criminals as bad as blue-collar criminals? They may look like accountants, but they can be as tough as G. Gordon Liddy. The boxing doesn't stop until no one has any blood left to donate.
- Coming next season: "Murder Goes to the Movies," "Lyle and Eric's Patricide Show" and "War Wounds and Weapons."
But wait! There is another reason to watch The Violence Channel.. It is the only channel with the innovative "Violence Guarantee."
We promise more violence than any other channel. A 1990 study found that "overall, the level of violence in prime time programming has averaged about five acts per hour, and on children's Saturday morning programs averaged about 20-25 acts per hour." We guarantee at least 29 brutally violent acts and six murders each hour. The "Violence Guarantee": More violence than Saturday morning programming. Guaranteed!
And yet there will always be liberals, pacifists, channel surfers and people who think violence is bad. What could possibly keep those people watching The Violence Channel.? Money. That's what. Money. Plain, green and simple.
If we ever fail to deliver on our "Violence Guarantee," the first viewer to call in wins $1,000. No muss, no fuss. Just be the first to call in, and win. The Violence Channel.: All the violence, more of the money.
But The Violence Channel. is not just about interesting programming. It's also about helping society. Who is most interested in violence? Criminals. Who watches the most violent television, other than children? Criminals. Why is so much crime committed? Because criminals have too much time on their hands, without any violence to watch on television. Not anymore.
The Violence Channel.: Keeping violence off your street, and on your TV, 24 hours a day.