Defending the right to pry

If having sex with a president who was not your spouse was quite acceptable and above board, an application for the privilege might look something like this.


Charlie VaronJim Rosenau
January 31, 1998 12:59AM (UTC)

P O S I T I O N___Intern/Concubine. Ideal candidate will be available nights,
weekends and late afternoons. Some on-call duties. Must be able to lift 50 pounds.

E O E_ N O T I C E___The White House is an equal opportunity employer. All ages, races, nationalities, genders and sexual preferences are encouraged to apply. There are no quotas or preferences in effect for this position, though looks still matter.

B A C K G R O U N D_ C H E C K___Employment is conditional on U.S. citizenship or green card. Successful applicants must submit to a thorough background check and extensive screening (color VHS tape OK). Applicants must also execute form US98-DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) as a condition of employment. Please submit two photos, one in approved H125(a) INS passport format, the other in high school prom dress (if male, tuxedo).

D I S C R E T I O N___Successful candidates will execute and operate under two-way non-disclosure agreements. Position is unpaid. Gifts and references are possible after 6 weeks.

Press hard -- you are making 4 copies.

Please list any sexually transmitted diseases that you have now, or have ever had. (Chlamydia counts.) List any sexually transmitted diseases that you would not be comfortable contracting in the course of your employment.




List any physical limitations that might prevent you from fulfilling your
duties. Describe any "special skills" that you could bring to the position.




For each of your five most recent sexual relationships, please list the name of the partner, duration of relationship and what you feel you accomplished. List the last three coital positions, most recent first.

1.


2.


3.

What is your primary objective in having sex with the president?

[__] personal fulfillment

[__] service to nation

[__] work my way up from the bottom

[__] book advance

Tell about a time when you couldn't keep a secret and learned a lesson about the value of friendship.




Do you object, from time to time, to talking with an attorney of the president's choice?




Do you wish to have a photographer present? An oral historian?


Some women and men who have had sex with presidents go on to greater things. Others are not as fortunate. A fund has been created to help them. Do you want $1 to go to this fund?


[__] Yes______[__] no

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?




Would you like to purchase a videotape of your Presidential Experience? (All proceeds go to the POTUS' legal defense fund.)


[__] Yes______[__] No

Are you party to any legislation pending before Congress?




Before answering the next question, please read the following:

"Our task as human beings in the 21st century is paradoxical. While it
remains necessary to cultivate long-term committed relationships providing
maximal warmth and emotional stability, we also recognize that periodic,
intense couplings with a non-spouse are a valid expression of our roots in the primate sector. Carried out in a time-efficient manner, these encounters pose no significant threat to national security or the GDP."

Do you agree in principle with the above? Would you be willing, if selected, to speak in favor of this platform at the Democratic National Convention?




Suggest a mnemonic to aid the president and Secret Service in recalling your name.




Do you have training in

[__] dictation

[__] shorthand

[__] CPR

Would you like a speechwriter assigned to you to assist with love letters? If not, please attach writing sample.


[__] Yes______[__] No

Please attach DNA sample.

In the event that you are contacted by an unauthorized biographer, journalist or federal investigator, would you be prepared to recount your POTUS experience in an upbeat, positive manner, free of rancor? Could you say, "I was a footnote in history, I suppose," chuckle modestly and leave it at that?







THIS AREA LEFT BLANK TO BE COMPLETED BY POTUS:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

M T W TH F Sa Su

J F M A M J J A S O N D




TO BE COMPLETED BY FIRST LADY:

Authorization Code: ______

Blackout Dates: ___________________________________
Rationalization:

[__] It won't last.

[__] JFK was worse.

[__] It takes a village.

WHITE COPY -- Oval Office
YELLOW -- Applicant
PINK -- Senate Oversight Committee on Eros
GOLDENROD -- Seymour Hersh


Charlie Varon

Charlie Varon is a humorist and playwright. His works include "Ralph Nader Is Missing" and "Rush Limbaugh in Night School."

MORE FROM Charlie Varon

Jim Rosenau

Jim Rosenau is a writer, editor and software designer in Berkeley, Calif. Jim and Charlie are also co-founders of the citizens group Californians for Earthquake Prevention and partners in Mockingbird Media, which offers a full line of comic services.

MORE FROM Jim Rosenau

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