Man caught snatching a plastic snatch

Abandoned and unemployed, a man makes the mistake of getting caught with his hands in some artificial pants.


Hank Hyena
October 27, 1999 8:00PM (UTC)

Oct. 27, 1999

A lonely man might be thrown into prison because he tried to steal a small piece of unnatural love.

Jurie Jeremiah Windvogel pleaded guilty on Monday to the pitiful crime of shoplifting a plastic vagina. The 41-year-old unemployed father of six
was recently abandoned by his wife in Cape Town, South Africa, according to the Independent On-line. Desperate for female comfort, he journeyed to an Adult World pornography shop, where he fell in love and tried to clandestinely elope with an artificial pudendum.

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Reports haven't confirmed the exact make of the pilfered pussy. But the world of man-made vaginas is more diverse than many might suspect. Was it a
Kobe Tai Ultra-Realistic Vibrating Vagina, a Chasey Lain Deluxe Signature or a replica of another XXX-rated star? Plastic hootchies tend to be modeled after the sculpted curves of sponsoring hardcore actresses. The pseudo-feminine orifices range from a shaved Nikki Tyler to a hairy Christy Canyon and cost between $35 and $100, depending on texture and vibrating ability. If the package includes an anus, as with the "Tiffany Mynx," the cost rises another $35, and for $229 an exact full-size replica of Julie Ashton's buttocks can be purchased and enjoyed with an enclosed vial of lubricant.

Carnal devotion to an adult movie star's muff-manikin is not a suitable excuse for theft, however. The chastising magistrate, P. Sauerman, explained that swiping stuff to aid a struggling family is understandable, but onanistic abduction is not. Windvogel will either spend four months in jail or pay a rather limp fine of 600 rand ($100) -- which might be less than the cost of the stolen item.

In reproaching the accused, the magistrate urged him to satiate his sexual passion in a non-felonious manner. But in today's world, with gizmos advertised as "better than real vaginas," is it so surprising that suddenly single and cash-poor men like Windvogel might be tempted to look for love in all the wrong places?

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Hank Hyena

Hank Hyena is a former columnist for SF Gate, and a frequent contributor to Salon.

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