Man caught snatching a plastic snatch

Abandoned and unemployed, a man makes the mistake of getting caught with his hands in some artificial pants.

Published October 27, 1999 4:00PM (EDT)

Oct. 27, 1999

A lonely man might be thrown into prison because he tried to steal a small piece of unnatural love.

Jurie Jeremiah Windvogel pleaded guilty on Monday to the pitiful crime of shoplifting a plastic vagina. The 41-year-old unemployed father of six
was recently abandoned by his wife in Cape Town, South Africa, according to the Independent On-line. Desperate for female comfort, he journeyed to an Adult World pornography shop, where he fell in love and tried to clandestinely elope with an artificial pudendum.

Reports haven't confirmed the exact make of the pilfered pussy. But the world of man-made vaginas is more diverse than many might suspect. Was it a
Kobe Tai Ultra-Realistic Vibrating Vagina, a Chasey Lain Deluxe Signature or a replica of another XXX-rated star? Plastic hootchies tend to be modeled after the sculpted curves of sponsoring hardcore actresses. The pseudo-feminine orifices range from a shaved Nikki Tyler to a hairy Christy Canyon and cost between $35 and $100, depending on texture and vibrating ability. If the package includes an anus, as with the "Tiffany Mynx," the cost rises another $35, and for $229 an exact full-size replica of Julie Ashton's buttocks can be purchased and enjoyed with an enclosed vial of lubricant.

Carnal devotion to an adult movie star's muff-manikin is not a suitable excuse for theft, however. The chastising magistrate, P. Sauerman, explained that swiping stuff to aid a struggling family is understandable, but onanistic abduction is not. Windvogel will either spend four months in jail or pay a rather limp fine of 600 rand ($100) -- which might be less than the cost of the stolen item.

In reproaching the accused, the magistrate urged him to satiate his sexual passion in a non-felonious manner. But in today's world, with gizmos advertised as "better than real vaginas," is it so surprising that suddenly single and cash-poor men like Windvogel might be tempted to look for love in all the wrong places?

By Hank Hyena

Hank Hyena is a former columnist for SF Gate, and a frequent contributor to Salon.

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