Dec. 13, 1999
Designers are hawking a plethora of provocative products as the last sands of the millennium hourglass dribble down. Marketeers are undoubtedly praying for the same orgiastic frenzy of buying and boinking that tore through Europe in the weeks before 1000 A.D.
In the event of a Y2K blackout, the glamorous Victoria's Secret Millennium Bra and Panties are perfect for candlelight lounging. The $10 million underwear is "encrusted with over 2,000 exquisite diamonds and sapphires," coos the erotic lingerie store's Christmas Dreams and Fantasies catalog.
Anyone ordering the uncomfortable item gets it custom-fitted, at no additional charge! The sparkly things are also personally delivered to your doorstep in "an armored truck," a sales specialist informed the Nov. 28 Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. Nobody's purchased any of the naughty gem-studded stuff yet, so the stock, one assumes, is abundant.
If your lover cares to break in the next thousand years with some penetrating sex play, "Y2K Jelly MillenniLube" can help smooth out the ride. The organic glide goo contains an aromatic assortment of calendula, chamomile, comfrey, St. John's Wort, aspen, rock rose and walnut essences. The sensual solution supposedly "works on a vibrational level to provide energetic harmony," claims California-based creator Jonathan Gavzer.
Spending New Year's alone with your insides trembling? Dipping the phallic-shaped iBrator" into your pelvic orifices should provide multi-orgasmic relief. This "USB plug-in" dildo comically impersonates the popular iMac in its rounded contours, choice of candy colors and voluptuous advertising layout.
The only problem: It's only a joke. The item doesn't exist, just the Web site. How unfortunate! Perhaps if enough horny customers torment the creator at firstname.lastname@example.org, he or she will produce this desired pleasure machine about which anonymous, invented reviewers rave: "I came till I cried! I'm the envy of everyone at the office!"