"I feel like this is a dream -- and I apologize for how I dressed some of you."
-- Ray Romano at the Golden Globes
Oh, no, Ray, the sights you saw at the Golden Globes were real, a waking nightmare of style and celebrity. The hair issues alone were maddening. Were Janet McTeer and Liam Neeson aware that they were both wearing versions of the same awful hairdo? Does Phil Collins understand that the remaining hair on his head looks like a butt crack? Was David Spade doing an impression of Peter Brady trying to grow a mustache? Did some sort of evil porcupine smite males and females alike with hatchet-job forehead wisps and greasy shine to match? Or was it just the same scissors accident that happened to Courtney Love's dress?
Look at the Associated Press wire on Salon if you want to know who won at this boring farce of an awards show. The more frightening story is that it looks like actors are actually taking the Globes seriously. Jim Carrey anointed himself "the Tom Hanks of the Golden Globes," while Halle Berry claimed that "in just five seconds, by announcing my name, hopefully that burden [of discrimination] will be removed from me," she said. "This is for my inner self and my struggle."
While Berry deals with her own struggle, soldier through a few more questions: If you mixed and matched Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan with Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker, would anyone notice? When people ask Parkinson's patient Michael J. Fox for the bazillionth time, "Are you surprised at the outpouring of support?" what do they expect him to say? "I guess, but I still haven't heard from that bitch Mallory, so I'm a little hurt"?
Of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, the body that administers these illustrious awards, Joan Rivers said: "I know them all, because they wait on me during the year in various restaurants." Waiter, a double scotch please.
Why did someone with a guffaw as devastatingly annoying as Renie Zellweger's have to hook up with a comedian? Can we hope that Jim Carrey's next role will be as Bob Saget or a similarly unfunny character?
Couldn't Lara Flynn Boyle have rooted around for one of Jack Nicholson's ex-girlfriends' gowns or something instead of wearing her little brother's T-shirt from 1979?
And when Parker thanked the caterers, was she trying to get us to think that she eats food and stuff?
There are more mysteries. Is it just because she was never ready for a close-up without a tub of Vaseline on the lens that Barbra Streisand was given an award in Cecil B. DeMille's name?
If you were the person who had to adjust the microphone to suit both Seth Green and Claudia Schiffer, who could have stepped on her co-presenter on the way out, would you cry silent, bitter tears?
And we end by offering the Roberto Benigni Award for European Director's Acceptance Speech to Pedro Almodsvar. Best Disney World Alternative goes to Peter Fonda: "I'm going to try to get that $2,000 [I lost in a bet] back and buy a magnum of Dom and get utterly wasted."