Jesus Christ vs. Ted Turner

Are their uncanny similarities mere coincidence? You be the judge.


Lance Gould
January 27, 2000 10:00PM (UTC)

Don't cry for Jane Fonda, America. Yes, she is suffering through what is no doubt a traumatic breakup with her husband, Ted Turner, but she'll find solace in the arms of her new man, Jesus Christ. As she puts her trust in Him, she just might find that He bears many similarities to her still-legal spouse, Ted. For example ...

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Jesus Christ


Ted Turner
Nicknames "Son of God," "Little Child of Bethlehem" "Captain Outrageous," "The Mouth from the South"
Claim to fame Subject of musical, "Jesus Christ, Superstar" Owner of cable TV superstations
Impressive water stunt Walked on it Won the 1977 America's Cup
Made a name for himself in the Middle East Yes, preaching there Yes, with CNN's Gulf War coverage
Altruism Preached good will toward all men Created the Goodwill Games
Performed miracles Turned water into wine, etc. Turned perennial-loser Atlanta Braves into World Series champions; turned black-and-white movies into full-color movies
Inherited his father's business Yes, Judaism Yes, billboard advertising company
Deals with enemies by Turning the other cheek Challenging them (as he did Rupert Murdoch) to pay-per-view boxing matches in Las Vegas
Was once Time magazine's Man of the Year No, actually Yes, 1991

Lance Gould

Lance Gould is a deputy features editor at the New York Daily News. He is also the author of "Shagadelicaaly Speaking: The Words and World of Austin Powers."

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