Miss Militant

Girls just wanna have total global domination.

Published May 12, 2000 4:00PM (EDT)

NICOSIA, Cyprus (AP) -- Miss Lebanon won't speak to Miss Israel. Miss Zimbabwe is ready to emigrate if the anti-white violence back home gets "out of control." Miss Turkey did not show up after Cyprus turned down Turkey's condition that she travel overland through Turkish-occupied northern Cyprus. Miss Taiwan was renamed Miss Chinese Taipei by the pageant's organizers following protests by China.

-- Vijay Joshi, Associated Press, May 9, 2000

Miss Nigerian Peacekeeper drove Miss Sierra Leone Rebel Fighter away from the hotel buffet in some of the fiercest fighting that the Nicosia Hilton has seen since Miss Chechnya killed Miss Russia in an attack with machine guns and grenades Thursday.

Miss Israel offered Miss Palestine 80 percent of her chicken strips, but Miss Palestine rejected the offer and walked out. Miss Israel later indicated that the proposal was not her final offer, and called Miss Palestine "a drama queen." Miss Palestine said Miss Israel had tried to annex her appetizer while she was in the bathroom.

Miss Moro Islamic Liberation Front (Miss MILF) seized Miss Malaysia, Miss Germany and Miss French National (as well as two passing Finns) from Miss Philippines' suite as the contestants practiced insincere smiling.

Miss Philippines and Miss Libya are now said to be preparing to discuss the release of the contestants with Miss MILF as soon as their toenail polish is dry.

Miss Norwegian Envoy, hoping to help broker a peace deal between battered Miss Sri Lanka and a much larger Miss India, traveled to Miss India's room on Thursday to relay the message that Miss Norway would assist in finding a solution to the conflict as soon as her teeth were Vaselined.

Miss India, who had bitter memories of her last run-in with Miss Sri Lanka, reiterated her view that the solution "lies with Miss Sri Lanka herself."

In a move hailed by a top international official as historic, Miss Albania and Miss Serbia issued a statement in which each contestant condemned crimes committed against the other and urged all contestants not to resort to violence. The peaceful atmosphere stopped at the Hilton door, however, as angry demonstrators marching outside carried placards with slogans such as "Miss Serbia has implants" and "Stop evening wear."

Miss Ethiopia and Miss Eritrea came to blows Friday morning as a row over a shady chaise lounge by the hotel pool erupted into a bloody conflict that has since cost hundreds of lives in the contestants' homelands. Each side accused the other of starting the war in the first place. By noon, an uneasy ditente had been established, but while both sides said they wanted peace, they said they wanted the chaise more.

Miss Britain said on Friday morning she would start moves to restore Miss Northern Ireland's satin sash, which she had pilfered in a panty raid two days earlier.

Miss Northern Ireland said, "I feel hopeful and confident that the ultimate prize -- the Miss Universe crown and convertible -- will at long last be within my grasp.''

By Carina Chocano

Carina Chocano writes about TV for Salon. She is the author of "Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid?" (Villard).

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