Everything you need to know about men

The authors of "The Ultimate Sex Test" claim they know how to help women find the cold, hard truth about their men.

Published June 12, 2000 7:05PM (EDT)

When Salon Sex called Smith and Doe for a chat, we got one on the East Coast and one on the West, and neither admitting, for the record, a real name or occupation (except "sex expert"). They claim they must stay underground because men are out to get them for telling women the truth about men. Their book, "The Ultimate Sex Test," gives a woman formulas that they claim will answer all of her sex questions about her man, including his office fidelity factor, whether he has experimented with homosexuality, whether he will have sex with her best friend and whether he lies to her about his sexual past.

Sometimes Smith answered, sometimes Doe. And sometimes they spoke at the same time. Anyway, both guys see the world the same way, so it doesn't really matter who said what.

What is the one most important thing women should know about men?

That all men exist in one of two basic states: the loaded and unloaded. Man spends his entire waking life trying to reach the unloaded state. An unloaded man is a trustworthy man. A loaded man is not. You never send your man into a target-rich environment in a loaded state.

And when does a male person start this process?

10 to 12 years old.

So, why did you guys use mathematical formulas [to answer questions like "Does your man lie about his sex life" or "Will your man marry you?"] in this book? Women are horrible at math.

We kept the formulas extremely simple ... every chick I know can count from one to a thousand very quickly -- and in a divorce it goes quicker. We have learned that women, when a man's fidelity is called in question, become genius mathematicians. For example, if a man has oral sex with another woman, that's a trip to Nine West.

How did you come up with these formulas?

We've researched it. We have interviewed thousands of men over three years ... and now over the Internet. We tell women the truth. That's why men are mad at us. For example, baiting material is something women have never really looked at. He has porno but you've never stopped to evaluate the content of that porn. If you are blond and all the women in his movies tend to have dark hair, that's the kind of woman he wants.

But then what do you do about it?

[Ever the promoters] That's in our first book ["What Men Don't Want Women to Know"]. This book is about alerting yourself to reality ... We don't tell you what to do with him. See, we discuss things that very few sex researchers have been willing to take on, because they might consider it offensive. For example, we give a formula to determine whether or not your man privately feels your vagina reeks like a dead animal ... women don't realize that men say "Let's take a shower" for a reason.

So you're saying that basically men always lie to women.

That's a given. Men will never say the truth to women. For example, if my girlfriend says, "What about that woman in a threesome? Do you think she's attractive?" I'll say, "Oh, if you want it, sure, whatever." All men want a threesome with two women. Always.

Did you mean for this to be depressing?

No! We do give some helpful hints. We explain things like "Pressure is inversely proportional to the possibility of an actual marriage taking place." And we tell women that they should tally up the orgasms they've given their men and take it out in shoes. We are modern-day geniuses ... at the very least Einstein would have discussed these ideas with us extensively.

So why would any man get married?

He wants kids, wants his wife off-market and there's no downside. Otherwise he will not pull the trigger. We are not saying there's not love; we believe in love. Men do love and care and feel but are, by nature, sexual animals and need to be understood like that. We make a comparison with a dog -- he doesn't mean to pee on your rug but you have to let him know he can't pee there. If you treat your man as a stupid animal you'll be in good shape.

I don't want to believe you.

No woman does. But look, men are just sexual. Picture this: A married woman is walking down the street. A gorgeous man pulls up in a Ferrari in a gorgeous suit. He says, "I am enthralled by you ... I have to be on a plane in an hour ... can I give you oral sex right now?" Ninety-nine percent of women run and the 100th Maces him.

Now, you have a man with a wife in labor. A VW Bug with a chubby girl who isn't pretty pulls up and she offers to do oral sex. Ninety-nine percent of the guys will do it. They will consider it the luckiest day in their life, they'll tell their friends, masturbate while thinking about it and try to get her number.

I think I need to stop hearing this now.

Just face the fact that 96.4 percent of all men will cheat and all women think their man is in that 3.6 percent that won't.

By Karen Croft

Karen Croft is the editor of Salon Sex.

MORE FROM Karen Croft

Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Love And Sex Sex