The self-help hot line

It's hard to make chicken soup for the soul when your refrigerator is facing a past-life mind-soul fragment that's blocking your chi.


Carina Chocano
July 20, 2000 11:00PM (UTC)

Hello! And thank you for calling the "Feng Shui for the Cluttered Soul" hotline. To ensure the quality of our service, this conversation and others you may have had in the past could be monitored and recorded.

For automated past-life regression, press 1. To rearrange your chakras, press 2. To re-upholster your chakras, press 3. To contact your inner mover, press 4. Para Espaqol, oprima el cinco.

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Thank you. Please hold.

[Soothing wind chimes.]

You have selected automated past life regression. To confirm your selection, press 1. To feel at peace with your selection, press 2. To affirm that your selection is beautiful and loved, press 3. To let go of the emotional barriers that prevent you from accepting your selection, press 4. To stop the cycle of blaming your selection, press 5. To remove the toxic voices in your head that say your selection was really, really, stupid, press 6.

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Thank you. Please hold.

[Soothing wind chimes.]

You have confirmed your selection. To go the extra mile and cherish your selection, press 1. To celebrate your selection, press 2. To learn to love your selection the way babies love, press 3. To clear your emotional body of toxic selections and make room for your new selection, press 4.

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Thank you. Please hold.

[Soothing wind chimes.]

For spirit attachment, spirit releasement and soul-mind fragment retrieval, please enter your 16-digit Visa or MasterCard number and 4-digit expiration date to receive a copy of our video, "Spirit Attachment, Spirit Releasement and Soul-Mind Fragment Retrieval." Please allow six weeks for delivery.

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To hear more about how Feng Shui can help you successfully rearrange your past lives in order to increase the positive flow of chi to your present life, press the pound key.

Thank you. Please hold.

[A bamboo flute?]

The following menu contains useful information on how the ancient art of Feng Shui can help you successfully rearrange your past lives in order to increase the positive flow of chi to your present life.

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Please listen to all of the following options before making your selection.

To discover your present-life purpose by understanding past-life sofa placement, press 1. To recover past-life memories of north-facing ottomans, press 2.

You have selected to recover past-life memories of north-facing ottomans. You were specifically asked to listen to all of the following options before making your selection.

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To discover your present-life purpose by understanding past-life sofa placement, press 1. To recover past life memories of north-facing ottomans, press 2. To discover the causes of fear, guilt, anger and phobias under ill-placed foyer shrubs, press 3. To find out how past-life memories of sink-adjacent refrigerators may be affecting your health, press 4. To understand the role your past-life headboard played in the choice of your parents, press 5.

[Hard to tell. Something reedy.]

To hear these options again, press 1. To hear a service representative say you're special, press 2.

Slamming the phone against the wall constitutes an invalid selection.

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To acknowledge your anger, press 1. To find healthy ways to vent your anger, press 2. To find alternative outlets for the pressure that builds up in your head, press 3. To play the blame game, press 4. To speak to an owner-representative, hang up and call back when you are ready to lose the unhealthy attitude and get moving on a positive life cycle.

Thank you for calling the "Feng Shui for the Cluttered Soul" hot line.

Om.


Carina Chocano

Carina Chocano writes about TV for Salon. She is the author of "Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid?" (Villard).

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