For Immediate Release:
The Partnership for a Child-Free America (PCFA) is a private, nonprofit coalition of People who are Repulsed and Irritated by Children. It is our mission to educate people about our repulsion and irritation and to squelch the hope of future generations for future generations.
Are you a PRIC (A Person who is Repulsed and Irritated by Children)?
Many adults are still ashamed or embarrassed by their hatred of the underaged. But kinderphobia is not a crime or a disgusting disease: It's a lifestyle choice (complete with accompanying CD compilation, now available at Starbucks). We must discover our inner child-haters and proclaim to those who would criticize us: "I know you are but what am I?!"
Child abuse works both ways. The following questions may help you to determine whether you are an adult victim of children.
Do others fail to recognize your accomplishments because they are busy with their babies?
Do you feel that if people really liked you, they would stop creating other people that they like more than you?
Do friends rudely and unfairly interrupt conversations about you to yank their children away from burners, outlets or knives? When they do, do you want to kill them?
Do you find that many of your friends are more interested in their children than in you?
Do you find yourself nauseated by that weird baby smell?
Do babies make you want to puke?
Do you feel that, honestly, you are cuter than most babies?
Do you fly into uncontrollable rages at the sight of little tiny socks?
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you dropped an infant off the Empire State Building?
Have you ever said the following:
"How old is it?"
"Does it ever shut up?"
"How can you stand that weird baby smell?"
If you answered yes to three or more of the above questions, you are a PRIC, and you are not alone. Millions of Americans are child-intolerant.
Child-intolerance is not a joke. It is a serious affliction that can be very uncomfortable if left untreated. Symptoms of child-intolerance include intense irritation, feelings of neglect, feelings of self-righteous superiority and diaper rash.
The PCFA is a group of PRICs united to combat the scourge of children and their codependent parents. The time has come for a better today -- and no tomorrow.
Tips for PRICs
Talk to your siblings, your friends and your neighbors about getting rid of their kids: Sure, this can be vaguely discomfiting, but if you don't, they may continue to believe all the lies about children -- "It's natural" and "You'll love them when they're yours" and "The survival of the species depends on it."
A PRIC leads by example: It's not enough to complain occasionally about whining in restaurants or that weird baby smell. You have to be firmly committed to stamping out this insidious procreative trend. The more vocal and apparent your contempt and utter disgust, the greater the chances that impressionable friends will take your very valid arguments to heart and seek to end their fertility -- forever.
Don't keep your intolerance to yourself! Become a leader in your community, incite others to action, educate those around you, voice your concerns. Learn, love and live our motto: "Me First!"
If, in the beginning, your efforts are met with resistance and even hostility, remember: Nobody will throw a shower for the revolution. Cuteness is a daunting opponent but not when it is corrupted by cooing, drooling and selfishness. (And that weird baby smell.) So ACT OUT!
How to ACT OUT!
There are many ways to express your displeasure at having to share the planet with those younger than you, and we encourage you always to explore new and creative ways to express your anger and resentment. Remember: Nothing is petty if it really works.
Here are a few ideas to help get you started:
Next time your boss grants a co-worker maternity leave: a) throw a tantrum b) lock yourself in your office and refuse to come out c) spit up on your boss d) hold your breath until you pass out
Next time a baby cries at the movies: a) hit the baby b) scream and cry louder c) pour cold drink on baby d) poop in your pants
Next time your friends cut you off saying, "Where are the kids?": a) hit the friend b) pull friend's hair c) repeat everything friend says right after they say it d) bite friend
Next time your cousin pulls out the wallet photos: a) hit the cousin b) pull cousin's hair c) repeat everything cousin says right after they say it d) bite cousin
Remember, no change occurs without first making the status quo cry. Every parent you know should be openly ridiculed for their foolish conformity. If that means disrupting Lamaze classes, letting the air out of a few stroller tires or threatening toddlers with the violent deaths of their parents, so be it. They started it! You finish it!
Available now: "Babies Suck!" T-shirts (pink or blue, adult sizes only).